So, I have been thinking alot about this. Schizoaffective diorder as being that of which over 10 years of Psychiatrists have or had given me as my Axis 1 diagnosis. I went tonight into the 'disorders' place and the Schizoaffective disorder and then to the DSM IV code and seen the 295.70 realizing how many times over a period of time beginning in 1994 that I have seen that number as my diagnosis.

So you see, I went back to the Community Mental Health organization after being with a private Pdoc for around 3 years. She moved away so I had to go back to the place I had came from.

So this new Pdoc who I did not know talked or listened to me talk for about 45-minutes about 2 years ago and decided from that talk that I was to be seen as Bipolar type 1 with mixed states and moderate to severe.

So he is no longer around and since I feel that he did this diagnosis change in order to simply to make himself be a hero and to try and make me to be perfect in sense that he as being just out of med school or what, that he would be famous for 'outmiding' like 10-years and aprox. 12 different pdocs diagnosis of my being Schizoaffective and he felt to be some sort of 'name' for himself.

Only his entire plan was a failure. The more I seemed to say not fit his image of what he was trying to transform me into, in the realm of an idea of who he had thought the being of myself should fit his idea of what or how the patient being me should be able to function without antiphychotic meds and on mood stabilizers. Once he seemed to have almost have killed me in cobination of 3,000/day of Depakote, Lithium, Lamictal, while ending up reducing the 3 antipsychotic meds. Trilifon, Seraquil, and Haladol.

So to say now on or back on high dose of SSRI and Risperdal, with others he has gone and I see now the thoughts of things inside of my mind are actually delusions. Bizarre? maybe only these beliefs are and have been some firm and some forever changing everyday. While I express some of the things to my T and CM only still, I feel better knowing that I accept and have accepted my diagnosis of Schizoaffective for 13 years and still the main thing:

This new pdoc is NOT changing my meds monthly and looking for HUGE improvements only the T and CM are satisfied with the main goal of my treatment to be Maintaing and Current Level of Functioning and not that of the former pdoc who god all mad and up out of his chair with accusations of my mental inconsistancys and not 'responding' to his meds and being 'non compliant'.

Sure, I am and always did tell him, I am trying daily. I would be now in a Nursing Home had I ever given up. I still face that reality of ending up in a nursing home daily and I am just thankfull that I am free to be me and not to try and be who the former pdoc expected me to be which is and was somthing of a nature of unatainable things that are and never would or could be me. I praise god today for the opening of my eyes to see the person I am or be.

Thank you for taking some time to read a little bit more about me and who I feel I am right now to be. I try. All I am able to do is try and not be perfect. Thank you very Much.

Chris