I had my first appointment with a new Pdoc today. Of course I had to go over all of the regular things-meds/history/current symptoms. As with all of these types of appointments I was asked about suicide. As I have been hospitalized in the past for feeling suicidal it always gets probed more. I was straightforward with him and said that I tend to have fleeting thoughts of suicide but nothing that I would plan/act on. Usually I can just tell them to go away, and they do. I have gotten to the point where I usually just ignore them. Its like they float in and float out.

He asked me if I think that I have these feelings as a way to feel like I'm in control. I had to say that I had not really thought about it this way. Growing up I was not really in control. Things would happen out of the blue. I can see at times it could be in reaction to abuse and wanting to be able to control my life. But usually when it gets bad I feel like it is in raction to pain that I want to escape and feeling that it will never get better, and despiration.

I've been thinking about his theory that it is about control. In some ways I feel that it is an interesting thought and something that I will have to explore more in T. But at the same time I'm wondering if he is just an old man who sees young women as being manipulative and that is why he threw that out. The more I think about it, the more I feel like he was judging me when he didn't even know me. I have always been truthful about how I feel with my Pdoc and T, where I am with SI and sucidal feelings. One of the times I was hospitalized I came to my T and said that I needed more support. I've never used it as a threat or way to manipulate people. If anything, I've been very good at making sure that my problems do not become burdens for others. I guess it just makes me mad that, that was his first response. Especially since he doesn't know me really at all. I feel like he judged me for this, without taking into consideration how hard I worked to get where I am and that I pretty much had to raise myself without any support. He seemed offended when I read over the release I signed for him to get information from my last Pdoc. What is wrong with that? I don't sign anything without reading it.

I guess this is a little about my frustrations with the Pdoc. But I don't have an option because I don't have the money to see anyone else. I don't know how I feel about him.