My Support Forums - View Single Post - I have reached out and still have no friends..

lynn09 · Oct 14, 2009, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CK23

Guys, thank you so much for the warm welcome... It really feels gr8 to have your support... You know i was curious as to what my plan should be when reaching out to people hasnt worked either... You know some days i suddenly start laughing and do have enough strength to last the day without much hassle even though my social contacts are zero...Yet, the depression still persists cos you can put a plaster face and pretend to be happy but no one can deny the truth... I just wanted to vent some more so i would understand if you guys dont reply to what i write now... What i needed to say is that the worst part of this has been the no contact thing with that lady from work... The people who ignored me when i reached out didnt hurt as much as this cos this lady was the one person who did communicate and be friendly but once the initial introduction passed she was as cold as the others...

You need to adjust your perspective on this one, CK23 - move to the other side of the circle, so to speak, regarding that lady from work. You must realize that not everyone is as honestly open as they appear. She may be one of those who "appears" friendly up front just to get past your defenses and get the "dirt" on you - find out your weaknesses - many very insecure people do this so they can feel that they are superior to and have power over those they feel are intimidating.

Give yourself some credit, CK23 - you were open and honest with her; if she is not able and/or willing to deal with you and/or your issues, so be it - that is her choice and you must respect that. Just remember, your identity is not defined nor is your value as a person determined by what others think or feel about you. This lady appeared to open the door and welcome you in, then closed and locked it after she found out what she wanted to know. Either she is very rude, judgmental, etc., or she is overwhelmed and defensive, or she just doesn't feel that she has enough in common with you to pursue a relationship. Whatever the case may be, just be yourself - be civil, kind, and polite to her - let her know that you respect whatever boundaries she has erected for whatever reason she felt she needed to erect them.

You must learn to do the same - you need to erect boundaries to limit how far into your life you allow others to come, and how far into their lives you allow yourself to be dragged. We all wish that this world was safe enough to adopt an "open-door" policy, but that is not the reality. You must be discerning about who you open the door to and invite into your inner sanctum - and be just as discerning about whose doors you walk through even on invitation.

As for putting on a plaster face even though you're depressed..... I have dealt with depression all of my life. I know that we as complex human beings are capable of many different emotions simultaneously; i.e., just because I'm depressed, that doesn't mean I can't sincerely enjoy and laugh at a good joke, or enjoy a pleasant conversation, or appreciate the beauty of a sunrise, or sunset, or a star-filled night sky, or smother my pets with hugs and kisses borne of genuine love and affection, etc. Depression and other positive emotions are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I consider that I can feel the depths of depression so intensely means that I can also feel the heights of joy to the same capacity.

As for attracting friends - I think the emphasis here is on the word "attracting" - planets and other astral bodies don't run around the universe trying to get close to each other - it is the "attraction" that pulls them together. Be your obviously genuinely warm, kind, gentle, caring self and others will be drawn to you - those that are attracted will usually be those who are more kindred spirits - others will sense that the welcome mat is out and you are "approachable." You must remember that humans are not that far or long out of the cave - we still have natural instincts to defend ourselves - those too eager to get close to us, we tend to suspect. Right now, you are the new addition to the pack - let others check you out and approach you cautiously. This is a good thing for you to do as well to figure out who you want close to you!