I am sorry for your loss. I don't know how to tell you to grieve hon. So many mixed emotions there. I had them really bad when my mom died 16 yrs ago. She abused me as a child and even into my adulthood. I cried because there was no hope left. I cried from relief she couldn't hurt me anymore. I even cried because I felt so sorry for her for being so miserable in her life. All I can say to you is do what feels right at the moment. cry scream, laugh, whatever YOU feel. We are all here for you hon.