Over the last few weeks I have been struggling with intolerable anxiety. I have nt had anxiety like this since my early 20's, I remember now how bad it would get.
Recently I have been having a difficult time focusing at work and stressing about therapy and what the next meet with T will bring, I know progress is being made (slow progress) but peace is no where to be found.
As we get more into T I am finding that maybe I am not the person I have lead on to be all these years. I mean I am who I am but I see me as strong and I can tackle anything, and that is the persona I put out there. But now I am hear, broken down, burnt out, tired as all heck, and well a little freaked out.
questions like "what do you do to enjoy life" are asked and I have nothing to say and it angers me and frustrates me and I say this is not me this is not who I am....I look back in my past and see someone different ... but some of the same. Independent....strong willed....cant be stopped... now I see someone different, still with these qualities but not as strong, much more broken and worn down.
Also the anxiety is crazy, I have a new PDOC who prescribed zoloft and has me cont w.prestiq since Ive been on that for last 6 mos, also I take lorazapam for anxiety (not to good abt taking this one) but I was a wreck this week and so I have made some adjustments and am hoping they work.
My T seems so concerned about me, I am not sure how to respond when he responds to my call for help. I mean I need his input and I need him to push me and I need him to recognize stuff when I dont - especially if I am really anxious. It kinda blows my mind the he is there helping. It may sound wierd but I find it to be alien to me or not familiar. I am not accustomed to having someone there to follow through, respond, or give me direction. I cant beleive I have someone on my side. I am still absorbing it.
Yeah I have friends, but always at a distance...walls will do that. hmm, it is good, and I got to allow myself feel good about having someone in my corner on my side. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way -realizing there is a person looking out for your best interest?!
My concerns for the week are based off the last few where I have been riddled w/anxiety and completely knotted up, unfocused, difficulty getting things done, aggitated, stressed out... just a mess.
This weekend I took some steps to help me relax...long long walk Sat and Sund, also cleaned a little each day - Fri, Sat, Sun....also slept few hrs Sat ... slept in Sunday ....cooked a lot for the week.
I had been talking with T about how I wake up constantly thru the night in a frightened panic or a startled jump...5+ times per nite...very tired, he asked more abt it and concerned about lack of sleep....sz this could be why I am anxious...I am hoping not to be so stressed out this week.

I need to stay away from those who trigger,,,,pretty much the whole family....no hounding calls or knocks on the door without notice....so glad

I am glad I have stopped talking to my parents and now I am at the point where I dont care if I talk to my brothers again. Its just a package deal,,,to talk to the bros there is talk to the monsters.....It just cant happen. I am relieved that they did not call or stop in and hound me for anything. No calls from the bro's either ...it is a good weekend.

I guess I just want to be at peace this week... I want to know its OK I dont have to take care of everybody and I dont need to be perfect.
I got to remind me that I am strong and a survivor and just breathe and relax and dont let anyone intrude on my space unless invited .... right.