Hi Mary Alice, my heart goes out to you. What mixed emotions you must have and it's so sad that you have the burden of this right now. Please please be gentle with yourself over this because your brother made his own choices and as an adult followed his own path. You being a kind and caring person will be troubled by his actions and even feel that in some way you could have 'done something' 'helped him' 'reached out to him' 'changed things,,,somehow' but you know,,, the reality is that you wouldn't have been able to change him as only he could do that. I was eight when my Mother took her life but I had been estranged from her for 4 and a half years at that point and my time with her had been lets say, harsh,,and so I had this mixed emotions situation too and now I am 51 years old and only now can I see that she was a lovely person who was deeply troubled and couldn't help herself in her actions. I didn't know how to grieve and I felt awkward about that and it was all just dark and difficult almost as though I had taken on her troubles, as though I needed to take up her cause (sounds crazy,,,,is crazy) but thats how it affected me. I don't think you can not be affected by such happenings and it might well be a very good idea for you to have a one to one with a grievence counceller who will be able to unpick some of the knots and shine a bit of clarity into your life. The problem with mixed emotions is the mind is mixed by it also and it's not a good solution to go into yourself with this one and I'm thinking thank-goodness you're reaching out in this forum. I hope you get to cry your tears soon and move on with a lightened heart and promise yourself to enjoy your future birthdays Much respect to you Mary Alice