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Originally Posted by Rainbow
The pain started when my T "ignored" me and paid attention solely to her family. I wanted her there for me. When she talked to me, I was okay. So it's when I wasn't the center of her attention anymore. Seeing her caress her grandson's hair was especially triggering also because she once mentioned that if she did that to me in therapy I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I agree with her about that, but I did think of that when I saw her touch her grandson.
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I dont know, Rainbow. Maybe its just you and me, but I am not sure if there is so much pathology in how you feel. I would certainly be triggered if my t said that to me in the first place, and then if I saw her with her grandchild stroking his hair and giving him what she said she couldnt give me. Of course, it is her grandchild and you are her patient. But you are in a VERY difficult position because you run into her frequently and there are times when she becomes very much not your therapist. I think I'd have to have real firm boundries to be able to tolerate that without feeling......well, all of the things you are feeling.
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I remember when we watched family movies my parents told me I used to cry because my brother is 5 yrs. older than I am, so the first 5 years I wasn't in the movies! My Dad loved to take family movies. There are plenty of me too, but not for 5 years. I asked how come I'm not in them, not understanding that I wasn't born yet.
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I would imagine that it doesnt matter what the actual circumstances (like the fact that you werent born yet) but more how it was handled by your parents. It probably looked like your brother was getting love you wanted. Love you thought was meant for you. But where were you? If they didnt lovingly explain or even not make a big deal over these videos in your presence, I would imagine you would have felt ignored and dismissed.
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I think a lot is also due to my wanting the attention but not knowing how to ask for it. When I was about 10, I hurt my finger but never told my parents. It must have been broken because it's still crooked. I worried about physical problems but never confided in my Mom. Yet I was attached to her. Something was wrong. I have wanted to tell my T everything and want her to be there for me like my Mom was, and wasn't. I couldn't be comforted if I didn't tell my mother what was wrong.
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I think small children, a really small children, dont typically have to "look" for ways to ask for attention/what they need. They just ask. If you remember looking for ways to get attention, there was probably some reason you felt you couldnt ask for what you needed directly.
The thing about your finger when you were ten is so sad. Could it be you had given up? Im thinking about how it was for me and I wouldnt have said anything either. There is no use. And I dont want to be ask for caring no one is willing to give me. I would not have taken such a risk. I might as well rely on my own devices.
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So, I want to tell my T what is wrong all the time. But, my T does not want to mother me, so I still don't get the attention. I get 100% of her attention during a session, but only about 10% when I see her in RL. So, it seems like the trigger is that I want that 100% attention for me all of the time. My T has commented on that when I've talked about seeing her in RL other times. She said the same thing, that she is there for me 100% during the session, and that she cares about me, but she can't give me her attention all of the time. She can't fill me up like that.
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This is an unusually awkward situation. ((((((Rainbow))))) She is your therapist, and a mommy person for you. But only when you are there. To have to shut those feelings off when you run into her would be VERY difficult. So...she is something of a mommy, but she is an acqaintence when you see her outside of the room.
So, my Mom gave me the attention all of the time, but she didn't comfort me because she didn't know that I needed comforting[/quote]
It doesnt sound like you were comfortable telling her that you needed comforting. And why would you be? I dont see it as little Rainbow's job to make sure mommy knows what is going on with her. I think it is your mother's job to find out and be attuned to you. Even at 10 urs old. You had been brought up to keep your hurt to yourself.