(((((((((( Mary Alice ))))))))))))

Mixed feelings are to be expected, and very much normal. They can be some of the hardest to deal with, though. Whatever feelings or thoughts come up for you, let them come. Accept them, notice and observe where they are coming from, try not to judge them or to shut them out or force them to stay. Whatever you feel is right for you and has a purpose and a reason.

If you have unfinished business with your brother (I'm guessing you might after all that happened and all these years), you could write him a letter. You might find grief counseling to be helpful if it's an option. If you watch public service announcements in your community, or call and ask around, you might find someone offering free grief counseling, either a workshop format or individual. Sometimes funeral homes offer this service to the community, and they often will welcome you even though your brother lived and died elsewhere.

This can also be a time to explore your own beliefs about death and any existential questions that come up for you.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. What feels right and is helpful to you is what is best for you.

I'm sorry about your brother.