of some of the bad things I've been called (leaving the worst and completely untrue things out)
Lazy, withdrawn, insecure, immature, selfish, "self conscious", needy (most of these have been said by more than one person so *must* be true...) .... that's a pretty damning mix, I get pretty tired of hearing those and worse in my head nearly every freaking day. And it takes more energy to correct my glaring flaws as it takes so much energy to fight the thoughts , that I'm completely worthless and useless and not worth any oxygen.
And its not surprising that so many of my friends (IRL) have given up on me as I'm such a waste of space.
Sorry for the pity party.
I'll probably regret posting this. I'm so terminally insecure that I usually panic and attack self if I use any words at all
The reason of being abused in childhood is getting old, I should get over it, already.
(the IRL therapists I have seen so far (several, mostly very expensive, which I can't afford...none of them I found kind or empathic) have added more words to my list )
I wonder if there's something about me that attracts critical people, (who then abandon me) even therapists
GROWL

Thanks to the great group of people in this forum who don't judge. If it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't even have written this post (although that would maybe be a good thing)