Every year, november is what I dread.
Maybe its a self fulfilled prophecy, but its when so many tragic things have happened, that the month just carries bad memories, drama, unresolved feelings and dread.

Its only the middle of October and I am dreading november this year.
the fact that it is combined with a time of thanks, has always made me angry.
the fact that it is supposed to be about family and friendship and peace- and things like thanksgiving and reaching out to other people- the irony isn't lost on me.

holidays at my house were never full of thanks or harmony, but the fact that its combined with death, family secrets, court hearings, and other drama is never so far off my mind, that it doesnt' surface each fall automatically.

I have tried to change my opinions on the season, the dread- I have tried to gain control, to take the reigns- to create new memories, or participate in new things, to try to give my mind something else to think about, the next year.
but despite that, here I am- mid october- dreading november again.

my mother wanted me to write back today and let her know if i want to have thanksgiving there or here- a question she asks every year.
And every year, i choose one or the other, and silently chew my food and silently rage and wonder how she can sit at a table with me, celebrating a holiday as if all the other thanksgivings were normal.
and every year i take away more animosity and anger for her- because she really can think about other things
she really can enjoy her food
she really does look forward to it.
Why is that- that isn't fair, that I dread something every year, because of her silence for so many years.
but i guess things never did effect her the same way- she was always able to put it out of her mind -

So im dreading a month that isn't here yet- making it an even longer ordeal that usual.
and i haven't forgotten what i do have to be thankful for-
but i just can't forget all, that comes attatched to the holiday and time period either.

i don't want to forget, i just want to stop hurting.