Jmall,
You're in a very dark place and, given the way you've described your life right now, it seems unlikely that you're going to find your way back into the sunlight without some help. I strongly urge you to consider either finding a therapist/counselor who you feel good about or getting an evaluation by a psychiatrist with the idea of trying antidepressant medication -- or both. You can find support and advice and cyberhugs at this forum (all good things), but my gut feeling is you need professional help of one kind or another. Some people find more benefit from therapy; others, like me, have found more relief from medication. You know your present course is leading you nowhere, so I hope you can find the strength to do some research and make some phone calls once you decide which direction you want to try going in first. Please keep posting here and let us know what you have decided to do. Good luck.

BlueOak