So, I'm not diagnosed with anything. Half of me thinks something is seriously wrong with me, and the other half of me thinks I'm fine. And I change so often and quickly, that I'd never be able to make an appointment one day and attend another day, or even in a hour time span...I'll probably change my mind...so I just don't do doctors. Well anyway, the past two weeks have gone like this:

Oct. 7th: I wake up MAD, and I don't know why. I'm just plain mad...so by the end of the night the world gives me a reason to be mad. My ex is on my little sister's facebook...so I blow up at my sister (fortunately she understands my moods so she first gets mad back, and then sends me a message saying that she loves me and if i want to talk about it, i can call her). She deleted him off her facebook, So I let it go...can't be mad at my sister, so the world has to find me someone else to be mad at.

Oct. 8th: I'm still mad...furious...so I blow up on my brother-in-law and his wife. And yeah they are crappy people, but I probably shouldn't have completely destroyed those relationships considering they are family...but I can't control myself sometimes. It all just built up and I exploded like a volcano.

Oct. 9-12: I stayed in control for the most part, but I wasn't happy. I dragged along, not doing much of anything except for staying on the computer all day. I did spend the weekend with family, but it wasn't any fun. The dates are a little foggy, but you get the point.

Oct. 13th: My husband gets mad at me for no apparent reason (call it karma) and I just about go off the deep end. I want to scream and I know my blood pressure shot thru the roof. My mind wouldn't slow down, I was tense, nervous, anxious, I couldn't eat, and I wanted to do something horrible to myself or something. Not fatal...just something to release all this fury. I finally decided to take a tylenol PM and Go to bed before it could get any worse. I fell asleep at 7pm.

Oct. 14th: Things are better with my husband, so I try to pick myself back up, but not very motivated. And I just don't care about my life. I manage to get some housework done, but I still haven't done homework in a week.

Today: I am all over the place. I have deep cleaned most of the house, and I cleaned the kitchen TWICE. I started at 7 this morning, and I have stayed busy until now. When I wrote in my journal...I wrote 100 mph when usually I just drag along. I can't believe I am actually saying this, but I think I was happy today...gasp! Not often I can say that. I feel so unpredictable. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. That is what is so frusterating. I don't even know myself.

And it is just so sad, that I lose so many friendships and relationships. The thing is...that no one but me can see the way I am. Everyone thinks I'm just fine...but you know what...I know why...I dont keep them around long enough for them to figure it out. My biggest fear is that eventually my husband will leave me because he will figure me out...and realize I'm unmanageable. But okay...he won't leave me, because if it ever gets to that point...I WILL go to the doctor. If a stupid diagnosis of "mentally unstable" and a bag of prescription drugs will help me keep my husband...I'll do it. But not yet. Not until he comes back from Iraq. I was fine when he was here...and it all started back up when he left.

I'm not looking for any advice...yeah I know the benefits of meds and a therapist...but I can't go to one. Unless God brings one to my house, I can't do it. Not yet. I won't admit that I'm not right, not yet anyway. I'm fine, really...(right?)