I have confronted my mom, several times- There is no denying, she doesn't give the so often and so common replies of "i didn't know, or i had no idea"
She just excuses it to, being helpless, and being weak.
Which - isn't an excuse- never will be.
She has told me numerous times, to get over things, make peace with it, move on-
As she has.
But what she doesn't understand is she is getting over being a bystander, not a victim.
I have tried to express that to her- she doesn't get it.

We talk, casually now- we are able to have some...sort of friendship, but overall I basically have no parents- 1 due to his actions and choices- and later on, his death-
and my mother, due to her actions and choices, and later on her deciding she lived with feeling bad long enough.
She actually said that, a couple years ago- she had felt bad enough she was choosing to move on, and get over it.
I wish it were that easy.
November isn't the only hard month, but it has far more negative memories than anything else.
The thing is, as much as I despise my mothers actions, and lack there of- I also still have this...subconscience desire to understand because I keep hoping if I can, I can also get over it, get past it.

Part of me wants to isolate myself, and just say forget it- but regardless of where I am, I will still be thinking about it-
and -part of me says, not seeing her- lets her off the hook- she doesn't have to face me, face it- the awkardness-
maybe that is part of it- it feels unjust.

She isn't the one who can't sleep- she doesn't think about it every day, it doesn't affect her marriage, and being close to her spouse-
so even though the abuse is over, even though the situations gone- I live with it day to day and she still doesn't have to face it- or answer for it.
My father, died- so he never did either.

If I hold on to it, well I feel I am not getting passed it-
but when I don't think about it, I feel I am avoiding it-

What is the right amount of time to think about it? How much is too much?
When will i stop seeking answers for something that can't be changed?
The thinking, is almost worse than what I went through- because it just never stops.