I continue to feel worse everyday and the way my bf acts contributes to my downfall. I keep thinking these negative thoughts on a constant basis and that makes me feel upset at my bf so i don't want to talk to him anymore. He just doesn't understand and i don't think he ever will. That is hurtful to me cuz i want him to understand. I don't know how to talk to him without making everything seem negative though.

I have trust issues with him now. I have had a hard time believing anything he tells me lately. While i think he probably does love me, i believe he has some resentful feelings towards me. Just the other day he told me he felt like i was pushing him away. Then i saw he went away and left the computer on yesterday so i discovered some chats he had with his ex gf (I know i shouldn't have looked at them....I feel bad for doing that still). They are friends and they have started to talk more often recently which makes me very uncomfortable. He talked to her a little bit about times that i got upset with him.

I asked him if he ever talked about me to any of his friends and he lied, telling me he did not. I have no idea why he lied, but now i know i can't trust him. I don't think he's cheating on me with his ex, but he has talked to her on the phone a few times and he does tell her he loves her (specifying as a friend of course). I just don't think that is appropriate and it also makes me feel like i matter less to him. I can't bring these things up to him cuz i don't want him to know that i looked at the chats. I know he won't take it well. I just can't stop thinking about this and it's continuing to make me feel bad. I just feel like i want to isolate myself from him all the time. I also notice that when he attempts to be affectionate and make up after fights I just want to stay angry at him and I want to go hide in the closet (It's the only place in the apartment where i can really be alone). He mentions that i act selfish and treat others badly and that just makes me feel so much worse and worthless as a person. I can't see how i'm making others feel really. I know i don't try to be selfish and treat people badly. I just have a lot of problems that i am consumed with.

I am really believing these negative thoughts now though and they keep multiplying. It's so tiring and frustrating for me. I just want the pain to stop so badly.

I try to think of positive things and i got some cognitive therapy worksheets that i printed from online, but when i try to look at them and do them i just feel more depressed. I feel like i have all these problems and i don't want to accept that i'm this troubled. Each time i think of something positive, i develop more negatives from that.