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Berries · Oct 16, 2009, 10:38 AM

So profoundly depressed. I feel hopeless and helpless.
I thought I’d feel better. I thought I’d think differently, if the tests showed that my suffering was real—not just histrionic ravings.
My pdoc and tdoc keep telling me that I have illnesses—that it is real and I am not faking anything.
I thought that I would believe them if the tests showed it to be accurate. I was told if I was faking it the tests would say—she’s faking. And the tests didn’t say that. And I just can’t believe it. Why? I do not know.
I am still having the thoughts that I am a liar and faker and I believe them—however horrible that makes me.
Plus now I have new thoughts that tell me to stop taking the antipsychotic and mood stabilizer—that if it is true that I have mental illnesses that I should suffer their symptoms without the help of meds. And it is very difficult to take the pills when that is going through my mind.
I am so depressed. No one understands why. Not my T. Not me. Not my mom.
I am a sinking ship without a life boat.