  (((((Berries))))) - I'm sorry that you are still struggling so with this. Did someone in your past accuse you of being a liar and faker (like to get attention), and that you deserve to suffer (deserve to be punished), or are these thoughts strictly self-generated?  
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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