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Oct 16, 2009, 11:26 AM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ElementalAlchemy
I have tried to change my opinions on the season, the dread- I have tried to gain control, to take the reigns- to create new memories, or participate in new things, to try to give my mind something else to think about, the next year.
but despite that, here I am- mid october- dreading november again.
my mother wanted me to write back today and let her know if i want to have thanksgiving there or here- a question she asks every year.
And every year, i choose one or the other, and silently chew my food and silently rage and wonder how she can sit at a table with me, celebrating a holiday as if all the other thanksgivings were normal.
and every year i take away more animosity and anger for her
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   I'm sorry that you are struggling so, (((EA))). Holidays were absolute horror at my house, too, when I was growing up, so I understand completely what you are saying. I was in my late 30's before I finally started celebrating holidays MY way, creating my own memories - even though I have spent most of them alone with just my pets - fine with me - no drama, no tension, and the bad memories are more distant.
Just an observation here - you say that you have tried to take control and create new memories for yourself, but then you also say that you spend Thanksgiving with your mother every year - which appears to be a major trigger for you. If you feel that you must spend Thanksgiving with her, instead of having it at your home or her home, what about going out to a restaurant together? Setting it in a different environment can help create a different atmosphere.
I also agree with what everyone else has said here about techniques to break the routine and do something different even if it means not spending the holiday with your mother. Volunteering at a soup kitchen or delivering Thanksgiving dinners to shut-ins, etc., is a really good way to break the routine and the returns on your investment of time and effort are far greater than you can imagine. Please keep posting and we'll all do our best to help you sort this out and support you in the process.
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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