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Originally Posted by treehouse
((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))))
I think it's really normal for trauma memories to come up in really disorganized, confusing fragments. That is part of the work actually....letting it come up how it comes up, and gradually, over time, piecing all of those little fragments together into a narrative that makes sense and that you can understand and integrate as PART of your life story.
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Really? I didnt know that. OK. Well, that makes sense to me. I have only fragments and vague memories so far. I dont think I could tell a linear story of my childhood. I dont remember what happened and what I do remember I dont know how to describe. yuck.
I did have fewer memories before I brought things up with dt. I remembered quite a bit while with her. Also, which was important for me, I took the way I treated by my father as "normal." I felt shame and had a secret fear that it wasnt quite right, but he was always that way to me. I tried to ignore it. I do wish I had been able to say something to somebody sooner.
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With the traumas that I have really pretty much worked through from beginning to end, they started out as flashbacks and fragments, and over time, became a story with a beginning AND AN END. The brain doesn't store trauma in the same way that it stores other memories. Part of the healing is getting the memories out of that "trauma" way of remembering them. So, bring the memories up HOWEVER they come up. It's not your job to try to package them all neatly...that is something that will come later, with T. The important thing is to start getting them OUT of your head, to stop being all alone with them.
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Oh.....I didnt know that either. How does the brain store trauma memories? What is the trauma way of remembering them? Sorry if these are the "duh" kinds of questions....
Yes- that is the way it is now. In my head and making me feel alone and afraid of my own shadow. I do wish they were packaged neatly...but they are very much not packaged at all.
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Can you tell ftt that you are scared of talking about the trauma stuff, partly because of how desk t reacted? Maybe you need some reassurance about how ftt will handle this stuff.
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Yes- I am going to do that. First thing to start with.
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Before I talked about certain things with T (especially the CSA) I asked him lots and lots and lots and LOTS of questions. I asked him to tell me how it went with his other clients. I asked him to tell me stories of people who had healed. I asked him how he feels when he hears the stories. I asked him every single thing I felt like I needed to know, no matter how silly or irrelevant it seemed. Later, T said I was "brilliant"  because I was setting everything up in such a way that I would KNOW I was safe and I would be as successful as possible. It is okay to ask any questions you need to ask, and talk about any fears you need to talk about, before you delve into the hard stuff. The hard stuff will still be there; the most important thing is that you feel really, truly safe when you start talking about it.
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That is a really good idea. I will feel safer once I ask as many questions as I have. OK.
Thanks, Tree
