Quote:
Originally Posted by ElementalAlchemy
The thing is, as much as I despise my mothers actions, and lack there of- I also still have this...subconscience desire to understand because I keep hoping if I can, I can also get over it, get past it.
Part of me wants to isolate myself, and just say forget it- but regardless of where I am, I will still be thinking about it- and -part of me says, not seeing her- lets her off the hook- she doesn't have to face me, face it- the awkardness-
maybe that is part of it- it feels unjust.
What is the right amount of time to think about it? How much is too much?
When will i stop seeking answers for something that can't be changed?
The thinking, is almost worse than what I went through- because it just never stops.
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EA,
Jmo/jme, but sometimes understanding does not come to us...there is a process of accepting what happened...then accepting we will never understand the actions of others.
No matter how hard we want to understand, no matter the desire to understand--it does not come to us.
It's understandable that you feel it is unjust...
If I'm correctly understanding what you have shared, you are angry because your mother appears to have let go/deny anything that happened to you.
It also angered me that I was left to deal with the hardships of many events...but getting that anger out is a healthy gift you can give yourself. Holding on to it can eat you up inside.
Isolating yourself...there is a big difference between isolating yourself and choosing self care...part of that self care is taking responsibility for your mental and emotional well being. It's hard to break a cycle like this...at least it was for me.
We can chase our tails, but seldom are we going to get answers and relief.
A good therapist can help you in doing this, EA.
There is no time frame for healing/recovery...we travel at our own pace. But there is a very big step that needs to be taken first; deciding you will do whatever is necessary for you to find a measure of peace.
It's hard! The alternative is even worse...a life that holds only anguish and despair.
You can do this, EA...posting here makes me believe that you are indeed looking for a way to break this cycle.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing...in the replies there may be just the words that will touch your heart...and be the start of something better for you.
My very best wishes for you to resolve this...it may not be a perfect resolution but it may be enough to clear your vision so you can protect yourself.
You are a worthwhile human being, deserving of so much more than what you are going through...
Do what you need to do in order to be happy.
In Peace
So many of us have stumbled while doing this...getting up is what counts...no matter how many times it happens.
You are in the company of some of the best people in the world...
jmo,jme