Bullies are very good at what they do best, causing pain, so no doubt the people who say these things know exactly what they are doing, and te "only joking" line is meant to put it all on you again. Your anger is correct. It would be good if you can practice keeping the fault where it belongs, and that is at them, and make sure that you don't take on so much of what they say so that you end up punishing yourself. That is exactly what they are hoping you will do. I won't try to tell you exactly how to do that, since everyone has to work out something that's true to them. I do know it has taken me years to manage this when I am NOT depressed, and that it is very hard to do when I am. Hugs, perfect silence, and please, for yourself and others, don't drive if you've been drinking. I shiver to think what might happen to you