Some very wise, sage and understanding words here..

I think I am still holding on to some last grasps of what I wish were, and so I feel compelled to make certain decisions.
I thought, for instance seeing my mom- on the holiday would be easier, if it wasn't there (her place)
but mine.
My own environment, my own safety.
But I realized it didn't make it easier.
So the next year, I tried not having it so intimate, I invited a couple close friends, in my environment again-
each year I have tried ..adding or removing something- to try to spend time with her, but also, feel safe and comfortable.
But maybe it just isn't possible.
Maybe the one thing I just have to face is, the change I need to make is not inviting her.
Oddly enough i feel guilty tho- because then she spends the holiday alone.

It begs to wonder why I am trying to change MY life, my situation so that I can spend time with her, when spending time with her- is what sometimes triggers the hardest things for me.
But I guess deep down, I still want some family- shes it- thats all I have.

To give a little background, because I am sure my situation is similar to some here unfortunately, I was / am an only child- I suffered sexual abuse at the hand of my father for 12 years, and then as things actually came to the surface through a guidance councelor at school, right before it came to criminal charges- he suffered a heart attack.
My parents were divorced by that point, and my allegations fell into the depths of disbelief on his entire side of the family. They ceased to know me at that point- and I was left with my mom, whos parents are both passed-
so thats all I have- is my mom.
Because there was no real investigation, because he past on- there was no resolve- it just got dropped- no one talked about it- his friends/family couldn't believe he would do such things- and he never had to answer to it-

My mom, never denied it happened, but she has always had the attitude of - hes dead- what does it matter- he got the worst punishment ever.
Now, its 20 years later- and I still live with it and she carries the attitude like, I choose to be bothered- I choose to still think about it-
I really think her overall feeling is, enough time has gone by- and maybe that is why I feel pressure to NOT think about it.

I am seeing a therapist, I have been on and off my whole life- as well as group therapy, and other outlets like using a journal, and so on..

I seem to understand why I feel certain ways, I seem to recognize steps I could, should or am taking- i seem to think ---very well on the situation. According to a lot of books I have read, I am perfectly normal.
But I don't feel normal. I feel like this scar just invades my life when I am not looking- I feel a bit annoyed, that I still think about it-
I mean ..shes right - hes dead- what more can happen?
If he was alive and living well, that would be one thing-
isn't thinking about it, isn't it affecting my life NOW, just giving him more power?

How can I be so lucid and so lost at the same time?

Wow okay that rattled on a lot...sorry