(((((((((((((((((((((Moon!!)))))))))))))))))

Well, I'll start at the end of what you wrote. About "what could I be complaining about". My journals from the beginning of T say things like "I know T wishes I would shut up and stop complaining" and "I know T thinks none of this is a bid deal and wishes I would just go away". NOTHING could be farther from the truth. Those were the things *I* thought, because I had been trained to think that way. T helped me see that the things that happened to me really were a Big Deal (or they wouldn't be haunting me all these years later). That was hard for me to accept - it tore down a lot of my defenses - but it is what finally allowed me to open up and start healing.

The questions you want to ask ftt are good ones. ANY question you have is a good one. You need to make sure you are safe, and you need to ask what you need to ask to make sure.

I'm trying to remember what else I asked T. I ask T questions a LOT, so it's hard to remember - it's kind of an ongoing thing. I know I asked him if he ever had anything in therapy that he was scared to say, and how that felt and what happened. (he did). I ask him things like what he does when he is overwhelmed with bad feelings. I asked him a few times to tell me stories of clients that he had who had gone through the process and healed. Honestly, I really do ask him ANYTHING I need to, even if it seems silly.

As for how he feels when he hears people's stories. He said that it can be hard. He said that he has to find a balance...because if he lets himself really FEEL what the client is feeling, he won't be any help...he has to be able to keep enough of a distance to guide the client through what they need to go through. He said that self-care is really important for him - he has lots and lots of friends, and a therapist, and he makes sure he takes care of his own issues so that he can be there to help his clients. He has told me that it IS painful to hear the stories, and I know there have been times when he has tried to protect us both from the pain, and those times haven't been good. But he is aware enough to see what he is doing, and to change it.

I don't even know how I can describe trauma work...a lot of it feels really dreamy to me. I guess for me, it involves telling the story as much as I need to. Sometimes it's so hard, and I can only get one or two sentences out in a while session. T and I both follow my lead. Everything we work through is different. I know that with the rape, I told him what I could remember, and as I remembered more, I told more. It was very painful and scary. I drew the room it happened in and brought it to him and he sat on the couch and we talked about it - and I felt like he was there with me, that I wasn't alone anymore. We did some visualization stuff - not preplanned, it just kind of happened - of me walking out of that room and leaving the rapist behind and of T and I building a big brick wall to trap him in there forever. It took a long time to work through it, and it wasn't something we did at every appointment. When it was pushing at me, we worked on it, and when it wasn't, we didn't. T said the gosl was for me to have power over it, and for it to not have power over me, and we really did get to that point. I don't have flashbacks anymore, and if it does float into my mind, I really feel like "that's over now" and I can move on (sometimes it's easier than others, but I can pretty much always do it).

I think it looks different for every client and for every trauma. If you listen to your internal wisdom, you will know the right way for YOU to work through the things you need to work through. It won't look exactly like what ANYONE else did to work through their traumas. Even for me, each trauma has a different path towards healing. But we know what we need to do to get to the other side, if we trust ourselves.

to you.