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Originally Posted by treehouse
That was hard for me to accept - it tore down a lot of my defenses - but it is what finally allowed me to open up and start healing.
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I guess that is where I should start with ftt. That I feel like there really isnt anything to complain about. I feel exactly the same way. Exactly the way you wrote in your journal.
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The questions you want to ask ftt are good ones. ANY question you have is a good one. You need to make sure you are safe, and you need to ask what you need to ask to make sure.
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I never realized that untill you posted it. It will make me feel like it is a safe place to talk about how i felt as a child.
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I know I asked him if he ever had anything in therapy that he was scared to say, and how that felt and what happened. (he did). I ask him things like what he does when he is overwhelmed with bad feelings. I asked him a few times to tell me stories of clients that he had who had gone through the process and healed. Honestly, I really do ask him ANYTHING I need to, even if it seems silly.
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I want to do that. I SO wanted to ask dt so many questions. When I read this I feel sad about dt. Can you imagine? I am still trying to get that mommy-love from a cold person. I dont know if ftt is in therapy. I want to ask....
I dunno....maybe I will. I am going to write down these questions in my journal to ask her.
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As for how he feels when he hears people's stories. He said that it can be hard. He said that he has to find a balance...because if he lets himself really FEEL what the client is feeling, he won't be any help...he has to be able to keep enough of a distance to guide the client through what they need to go through. He said that self-care is really important for him - he has lots and lots of friends, and a therapist, and he makes sure he takes care of his own issues so that he can be there to help his clients. He has told me that it IS painful to hear the stories, and I know there have been times when he has tried to protect us both from the pain, and those times haven't been good. But he is aware enough to see what he is doing, and to change it.
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He sounds amazing. I love his calm awareness. I agree that he needs to keep some kind of distance, and Im sure you do, too. I dont want her to feel what Im feeling, but I want her to be with me, maybe feel some too, but be with me and be a strength. Here I am saying this, but when it comes to my mother, I have not been able to access very many feelings. Maybe a brief sadness. I was shut down to her and I still am. I do feel sadnes about my father. And fear toward him. He might actually be the easier parent to work on.
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I don't even know how I can describe trauma work...a lot of it feels really dreamy to me. I guess for me, it involves telling the story as much as I need to. Sometimes it's so hard, and I can only get one or two sentences out in a while session. T and I both follow my lead. Everything we work through is different.
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Telling the story as much as I need to....I will have to remember the story first. This is starting to sound so hard.,. How do I remember? I guess I can start with what I do remember. As I am typing I have this feeling of dread. I dont want to. I want to just leave it all alone.
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I know that with the rape, I told him what I could remember, and as I remembered more, I told more. It was very painful and scary. I drew the room it happened in and brought it to him and he sat on the couch and we talked about it - and I felt like he was there with me, that I wasn't alone anymore. We did some visualization stuff - not preplanned, it just kind of happened - of me walking out of that room and leaving the rapist behind and of T and I building a big brick wall to trap him in there forever. It took a long time to work through it, and it wasn't something we did at every appointment. When it was pushing at me, we worked on it, and when it wasn't, we didn't. T said the gosl was for me to have power over it, and for it to not have power over me, and we really did get to that point. I don't have flashbacks anymore, and if it does float into my mind, I really feel like "that's over now" and I can move on (sometimes it's easier than others, but I can pretty much always do it).
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(((((Tree)))) You did some amazing work. You worked hard in such a short period of time. I know you've been with him for 2 yrs, but it can take people much longer than that to get to what you did with the kind of clarity you have. And in the end, the goal is for you to have power over it. And now its over for you. I guess that its the same way with early trauma. I cant imagine that for me, I think if I ever felt like it was over, Id be a different person. Id feel more safe in this world, not get teary over giving love to my children. Id have a stronger center. And feel more confident. I wonder if food will continue to have the power over me that it does. I might feel more comfortable with myself and not need to focus on it.
Thanks, Tree. It looks like I need to ask on here the "pre-questions." Then the ftt questions in order to feel safe. Trust the process.....deep breath....