((((((((Jon))))))))
It sounds to me like a big portion of what you are struggling with is a result of how other people will react if they ever found out. I really do understand that concern, but there comes a time, especially times when you are feeling this low, that you have to do what is best for you. I'm not saying that what is best is that you go out and tell everyone all your deep dark secrets, but I do believe that sharing and talking with someone you trust is very healing.
You say that you have friends that you connect with, but are scared that they wouldn't understand. If the situation were reversed, would you want to know about how your friend is struggling? Would you like to be given the opportunity to help them? Chances are, if they're a true friend... they will do their best to understand. You need to give them the opportunity to, they might just surprise you.
May I ask how old you are? The reason I'm wondering is because if you are in either High School or University/College, there should be a counsellor that you can go speak with in confidence. My High School counsellor changed my life, and I really can't tell you how glad I am that I went and spoke with her.
You say that you want out. Are you sure that you're ready to give up everything, or is it that you're just feeling really alone and scared because of how you're feeling? Feeling like you have no one in your life you can trust can be very isolating and make you wish that things weren't this way. But the good thing is, that once you open that door of communication up just a little, I think you'll be surprised at what you find.
You've managed to make your way to PC so that is VERY optimistic. I'm glad you came, and I'm positive that if you stick around you will find others sharing similar struggles, and you won't have to face things by yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you Jon. You are human, and you have feelings. That is nothing to be ashamed about.
Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk
Jacqueline