Deli- I wanted to write my response without reading any of the other responses. So I can give my honest, mish mash of an opinion. Both abandonment and rejection are issues for me. Being terrigfied of abandonment seems to be at the core of me. It seems to be a the core of so many things I do and feelings I have that at first glance would seem absolutely unrelated to abandonment. But is abandonment nonetheless. I'll try to explain....

You said you have a strong belief in your ability to get by without the help of others, I believe many people are that way, but its a safe bet that there hasnt been a baby born that had that ability. In the secure to insecure thread...or maybe it was Dreams thread about attachment, where we were talking about baby-needs, some good points were made about what happens when our earliest needs are not met. The period of time when an infant/newborn baby develops her sense of trust, attachment and who she is as separate from her mother. With a mother who cannot give to that baby enough of what that baby needs, whatever that might be- there are deficits. Is it really possible, not matter how a child compensates for early neglect, to escape unscathed? We can get along compensating, but how well? I dont need to tell you this. You know.

For me personally, it is barely conscious when early (and not so early) neglect and pain are triggered. I can get go into reflex defense mode (Im fine), I can dissociate from my feelings (what happened?), I can feel overwhelmed (become a puddle of tears), I can ruminate endlessly (what did I do? How can I fix it? How can I re-do it?), I can even fight (youre wrong!). But no matter which way I slice it or how I handle it, it is the re-living of such intense early pain. The pain is- I am alone, I have been left, there really is no one who cares, no one who is competent (I can just take care of myself!), no one to idealize, no one but me. And I am surely not enough. And as a baby, I am not enough. If those intense, very early needs arent going to met, what will happen? I believe those needs stay immature and healthy structures of my personality that were supposed to be built on will not be built, not very well, anyway. I will fear abandonment. When I "feel" rejected (any incident that I interpret as rejection), it will bring up feelings of being abandoned. With all that it means to me- unlovable, unworthy, alone, frightened. I was not worth mirroring as a baby, I am not worth anything now.

You said something about being afraid to open up/be vulnerable because you will be rejected . Now, I cannot say what happened to you as a baby (except what I have read here) or how you experienced it, but what is the fear? And if you are rejected? Is it so what? If it is so what, then why the fear? Does it being up for you old childhood/babyhood pain? For me, that is what the fear is all about. Re-experiencing the pain....of abandonment. I am alone forever. Its a heavy feeling. For me, it can be the driving force behind so much of what I do and how I have lived.

OK- so in my mish mash wayof explaining, I think rejection and the fear of it is the disguise my fear of abandonment wears.