That was my question too, polarsmom. I think for a lot of people it just takes time. My experience was a lot like treehouse's. I liked my T early on, in the sense that I thought she was smart and kind and that I could learn things from her, but I did not feel comfortable with her for a long time. I remember early on, she was talking about someone else I know being in therapy, and how "the first year or two can be spent just building trust." So that made me feel that she was in it for the long term. I also like when she has shared little bits of herself with me, that definitely helped early on. Over and over she's done considerate things for me (ex. being so generous with email, calling me a few times just to check on me after a hard session, giving me a book on a topic we had discussed, always trying to make sure the office is the right temperature and comfortable for me), that have showed me in different ways that she cares.

At first, these things helped me start to want to connect with her, but there were lots of ruptures as I would then start to feel unsure about things and that would set me off. This was often the case when there was any discussion of the therapuetic relationship. But we somehow got through it, and like treehouse describes, seeing how she reacted and tried to be considerate of my feelings even when we were having trouble helped make things stronger in the end.

Now I would say I'm finally comfortable with her. I don't get nervous before appointments any more. I feel like I can count on her. I don't have doubts that she cares about me. And so I just don't get upset anymore (I'm not saying we will never have misunderstandings again, but it just doesn't seem to happen much anymore). I think if you're working with someone that you like and respect and want to work with, then the missing ingredient may just be time, and having enough experiences where your T proves to you that you can trust him/her. At least, that's how it worked for me. Good luck!