niiiiiiiightmares... how i HATE them. ive had them 6 out of 7 nights every week youd think i would be used to them by now.. well.. im not.

TRIGGERSSSSSSSSSSSSS



triggers

my father hitting me with his fist - im 3 or 4. i did not do the bl*wj*b right, orsomething.
my father standing over me with his belt. im about 6. hitting hitting hitting.. i screamed and screamed... then passed out, eventually - how could the neighbours NOT have heard.. and if they didnt... why didnt they do ANYTHING
my mother hitting me for looking her in the eyes - do i dare challenge her? - im about 4 or 5
My mother hitting me for not looking her in the eyes - look at me when i talk to you! - i'm about 7/8 - she hit me with a frickin candle holder. I dont scream or cry anymore.
my dad throwing me in a wall - im 11 - i remember that night well. i broke 5 ribs, my left shoulder, nose and a few fingers.
i'm 13 now. My dad's 'friend' is not satisfied with me and demands his money back. He's yelling at me. takes my left hand snaps 4 of my fingers, i break all 4. makes me do another bl*wj*b on his 'friend'
I'm 14. coughing up blood. my father throws me into a wall *again* I remember thinking I'm going to die. I wake up in a hospital. 5 days later.
About 2 weeks later. shipped back home.. My father is in jail but my mother is not. She blames me for that he is in jail.
a few more weeks later. my mother is bringing my fathers 'friends' home. 'atleast this way i still make some money out of you'.
I tell my social worker. Countless fosterfamilies follow. More abuse. Lose sight in one eye.
Last february. my brother dies of cancer.. more abuse...
I lose my will to live.

nightmares.. flashbacks.. bodymemories.. so.. much.. pain..
yet.. im still here.. somehow..