EA,
Thank you again for sharing...

I put a trigger icon out of respect for those who may not be in a good place--and that obviously includes you, EA...if bluntness would upset you, please disregard this reply all together...

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Jme...just my experience

My abuser died in prison from cancer...a long and painful death as adequate pain control was not given to him. I take no responsibility in the decision that was made by these officials.
...and I think he got off easy although he did suffer.
Part of the reason is *I* wanted to cause him more pain; somehow have the chance to confront him and make him understand what he had done to me...I wanted to shake some shame and guilt into him so he would know what he had done...
Others who should have protected me were as guilty as he was; just in a different way.
I battled on two fronts; both of which battered me even more. He seemed to be getting off easy and so did the others...they denied and covered up and blamed me...and I was just one of his victims....but of course they concentrated on me.

In all honesty, it took some years of therapy for me to understand that I was never going to get the chance to confront him or them, understand how the heck they could let it happen and punish me for it...
It was consuming me, drowning me...and I got damn sick of it. I might as well have been beating my head against a brick wall.

This is what I meant when I said that sometimes understanding is not possible...there are things that humans do to each other that cannot be explained or understood. Period. In my years of working the forensic unit, at no time did any of us reach understanding of these horrendous acts...
We did our jobs with dedication and thoroughness for the purpose of trying to find something/anything that would be a commonality...something that could be tied together...give insight...perhaps those who added our observations along with other participating hospitals were able to do it.
I don't know as I've been retired for some time.

Sharing this is not meant as a Can-You-Top-This...
It is my hope that you will see that there most likely will be no answers for you.

My father once told me this although not in context with the abuse...
"At first the wound is bloody and painful, it scabs over...sometimes we pick at it and cause more pain...but it will morph into an angry scar and that too will fade. It's still there, but it becomes part of who we are and not our identity."

EA,
In the last years of their lives, I took care of my parents. It was a decision I made based on many factors...it was one of the hardest things I ever did...and it was also one of the best things I did for myself.
I gave them every chance to be at least kind to me...and that is my point. It didn't happen...
I've had as little contact with any family members since.
You have given your mother every chance to hold you and say, "I'm sorry, my child, for not taking better care of you."
Her way of dealing with the past is shrugging it off...and I know how deeply it hurts the heart.

...giving him more power? Yes.
Jme/jmo, perhaps there is more anger than what you are aware of? Grief that has not been acknowledged?
Are you at the age when you are beginning to feel a different dimension of the impact this had on you?

Just a thought...
You are not obligated to ask your mother to come to dinner. If she chooses to be alone, it is her decision. Does she not have other people...friends...who would be happy to include her?
If you do feel obligated in some way, take her out the night after Thanksgiving. It's time for you to make your own traditions...and sometimes that involves making tough decisions.

"Analysis Paralysis." You will lose sight of what you need to do for yourself if you continue to look for more things, better things, to settle things...

In no way do I imply that any of this is true of you, EA...I'm but sharing my own experiences in hope that something within those words will help...I offer my apology if I offended you.

Please allow yourself to feel any anger and especially the grief...this stuff hurts, dammit, and I don't care what age we are...it's going to be a challenge in many ways...but there will also be relief.

Thank you for being here...
I'm learning quite a bit from you.

In Peace