As my last post said, I am seeing a therapist- its just, an hour a week hardly covers a fraction of what my brain thinks 24 hours a day.

Its just terrible, all the things I am reading here- as much as its easier to reach out to those who have encountered difficult times, it really makes me sad that so many of us, have such terrible times to endure.

I made a decision, and wrote my mom a letter- I'm going to post it here- because its really a decision I feel more comfortable making, after hearing from such compassionate people- and maybe someone else was feeling the same way- and needs to write a similar letter-
So here goes-



Mom-

As you are aware, the holidays have been a difficult time in our family. First time around, experiencing it- and now, remembering it.
I know in your mind, what the holidays should be about- and I really, truly believe that you try to make the holidays picture perfect in your mind, even if for one day.
But, the problem I have always had, is you can't erase thousands of memories and 364 bad days a year, because your a great cook and want the Normal Rockwell picture.
So instead of trying to force myself, into what you imagine the holidays should be, I have decided this year to spend them in a different way.
In my opinion I have dedicated every Thanksgiving in the past, to trying to pretend things were okay, or trying to not think about how how things aren't ok-
Instead of doing that this year, I have taken steps and found a church in my area that is helping our community.
I have signed up to help collect coats that week, and bring meals to those who are unable to prepare them for themselves and to help cleaning up the kitchen, from all the meals they will be making and sharing that week.

I want this holiday to be about something other than our family. Our misery, our bad memories. And although I can't change what has happened in our family, that leads to some of my own problems- I can make the day better for a few others, who are still going through the healing process.
I think it will help me, help others - by being actively involved in making their day better, instead of spending another day remembering why our life wasn't.

I hope I have your support and understanding in this, and I am hoping by telling you this, so early you will be able to make other plans and enjoy the day how you wish to spend it.

Kim



- Well so i hand wrote that and mailed it to her today before i lost my nerve- and although I have helped out at our local church before for various things, it made me feel good to offer at such a time that they need it most.
I myself am not religious- at least not, a religion I have found that meets all my needs- but I recognize where help is needed, and am glad to do this.

now instead of looking at the next 6 weeks of what will i talk to her about etc- i can put my energy on collecting coats, or looking at our thrift store to donate some myself- or something more positive with the energy.
And i don't feel selfish about doing it, because before if I had said no- i still would have sat here, and thought the same things, felt the same way.
So i feel really good about this decision.

I really appreciate the honesty and openness everyone has shared with me here--i feel like there is this warm energy here, of understanding that really makes a difference.

thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my thoughts and opinions, and to share theirs...