Well its written with strength, but I have no problem admitting I am scared to death of what her reaction will be.
Could be anger, could be "hurt" which she plays a lot- could be her helpless attitude she throws that once in awhile.

I was thinking about the letter, and my strength, or reason stirs from several things said here.
The fact is, change---well, it was something my mother never did. She never risked, she never attacked, she never confronted, she never resolved.
She sat, she watched, she shook her head, she closed her eyes.
I will always be angry, I will never understand-
reading several open posts here, I am stunned and honored, as well as humbled by the sheer inner strength so many have here- from similar backgrounds, worse backgrounds - not to grade situations, but I do know, i survived, but could have been exposed to worse, for longer.
When I read stories of girls abducted, carrying their rapists children- being held prisoner-
there is always worse

To get back to my original thought however, is that- for me to be angry at my mother for never changing- well, I can't change HER. I can't change the past.
I can only change myself, my life and what it means and might hold.

Seeing her, on that day, that holiday isn't something I like to do. I am not happy with it- and reading some very wise things here, it made me realize I don't have to.
i am not 8 years old anymore.
I don't have to keep secrets anymore. I don't have to do anything do I?
I am an adult now.

How many ...of us abused, keep doing things...we ought to, we think we should, because we have been programmed that anything different is selfish?

How many others here...are planning on spending a miserable holiday with someone they dont' want to face because somewhere along the way - we were taught, that is just how it is supposed to be?
Supposed to be?
Nothing in our lives, from things I have read here- were SUPPOSED to be.
So why as an adult, am I still doing it?

It was hard to write the letter- It will be hard to defend my choice if I have to- but at the same time I felt ...empowered writing it. I could write it. I did write it. I can choose.

I don't suspect I will ever "understand"
I will never read a paper and understand the man who hits his wife, or harms his child. I will never watch a news cast and think it makes sense, to hear half of what I do. I shudder and cry at humanity more times than not.
Life is short, and I spent my first 12 years, being abused because I had no choice.
And somewhere, along the way I adapted to that.
And even beyond my fathers death, kept quiet. kept nodding, kept following orders or expecations.

Maybe I won't ever prove to my mom she did have a choice.
Maybe she will always think she was a victim too.
But, maybe she will see my example in my letter.
Maybe she will see I am unhappy being in a situation so I am choosing to not be in it anymore.
And even if she doesn't understand, and even if it it upsets her- maybe she can see its never too late to make changes. Its never too late to stand up for ourselves.

I think sometimes that I am so used to being abused, its harder to step away from it. Its defiantely scarier-
but im ok being scared right now.. I don't know what this thanksgiving will bring, but I know what it won't for the first time- and I made that choice.
And everything starts with one step one choice right?

When I think about the fact, that here I am a stranger- no one here knew me before a week ago- and you have all taken the time to read what I think, read my own story- to post support- to share your own histories- a few have taken time to welcome me, share a pm, or a hug- it really inspires me.
I haven't seen one post from anyone here, who doesn't have an amazing voice, an amazing inner strength - I am grateful for finding this community-and grateful you have taken the time to share with me, your own stories advice, opinions ...and it makes me realize just how much good there is despite all the bad.