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eskielover · Oct 19, 2009, 06:14 PM

Jacq,

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I once heard that everyone likes to fantasize about their own demise... but if that were the case, wouldn't everyone be bordering along mental distress? If so, why does everyone psychopathologize thoughts regarding suicide if they are in fact, quite common?

I don't think this is accurate....most people are so busy living their lives they don't have time to think about their demise.....let alone suicide (demise placed in their own hands). Those thoughts are not common. I am not sure how common they really are in the world of mental illness either. From my own experience.....I never dealt with mental illness until I was 43 & there was no mental illness in any of my family background....it didn't hit until I lost my career which was my identity....& had a bad marriage from the beginning....so didn't even have that once I lost my career....(my career was my escape from my bad marriage)......had heard of suicide in passing before that, but never heard of anyone ever thinking those thoughts.

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Also, what constitutes having suidical ideations vs. thoughts about suicide? Or are they the same thing?

Suicidal ideations are just the thought about ending one's own life.......thoughts about suicide are when the person actually thinks of how & when.....a more concrete defining it in their own life. Suicide attempt is actually taking the action without it ending their life. Suicide is actually taking the action & having end their life.

Sadly, my anxiety/depression ended up in many attempts....looking back at that period of my life, it's a black hole & I feel so blessed that none of my attempts ended up more than just an attempt as I would have missed the wonderful life I have ended up with.

I have no idea how many attempts.....or what triggered them other than the hopeless feeling I was feeling & didn't care about living anymore. Others looked at my life & wondered what in the world was wrong....husband had his career, we had our daughter, I had my horse now & was learning my dressage riding again, I had my cute eskie dog that we were showing....I was involved with our community flute choir & even involved with the music at church......so what in the world was wrong???? I knew that I just didn't feel good about where I was without MY CAREER....the only thing I had ever wanted in my life & the whole aerospace industry was going downhill.....couldn't get another job....too high paid & not the right experience for another company to want to hire me. To others that sounded like such a trivial issue......but to me it wasn't.....all the therapy in the world couldn't fix my problem. No one had any idea how to handle what I was going through including my pdoc.....other than to stuff me in the hospital, hoping to get me medically stable & get through where I was, hoping that somehow I would get my act together. Months of inpatient treatment....months of outpatient treatment......NOTHING helped. This went on for about 5 years.

Have no idea really when my thinking changed & my actions stopped.....but had no hospitalizations for suicide thoughts/attempts after that point. The strange thing is that I can't even figure out how my thinking got to that point or why I acted the way I did....like it was someone else during that time......but the problem is that going into therapy after I moved across the country & left my husband, the question comes up......then comes the fact that all the things I have had problems with are the things that are serious issues in therapy......suicide attempts & anorexia.........understading that I am not at that point in my life anymore but therapy is necessary to help me with another trauma I went through a few years ago & other issues I am struggling with.....but that was in the past.....somehow, it's almost impossible to convince anyone that it was in the past.

My past being in the past is nothing I really talk about unless someone else is struggling with something.......but that part of my past, being like a black hole.....I am trying hard for that black hole to be just that & for it to all stay there.

I realize that there are some things in our life that we feel at the time has no resolution.....that part of my thinking was true....there was nothing that ever changed about my situation & there was nothing that anyone could do to change that situation......but how I preceived the situation & how I could replace that situation with something else of more importance was what was really needed....unfortunately, it wasn't anything that anyone could do for me.....& there was no therapy that could do it either.......it was all up to me to figure it out & figure me out.........the struggle I am dealing with now has to do with a trauma that happened a few years ago when my Mother was dying of cancer (another good reason why my attempts were not successful....my Mother needed me to be here for her as I was her only family). I can't imagine that my thinking could ever return to that dark place in my life.....shoot, I can't even take a pill without choking let alone more than that.

I still struggle in my life......but I love every part of where I am & what I am doing.....I have found more value in my life in helping people since I left my husband 2 years ago......I may not have furniture in my house & I may not have my horses with me yet, but my life is more fulfilling than it ever was when I lived with my husband in California......& I thank God every day that I didn't have my way when I was trying so hard to be in control.

Hope this can give people some hope when they may feel none......we never know what the future really holds until we get there & when we end life before that wonderful future can arrive in our lives....we really cheat ourselves out of so much of the wonderful things in life....even if it feels hopeless at the time.

Debbie