I think that the taboo on suicide is very dangerous. I was suicidal for a good part of my last episode of depression but I didn't tell anyone about it for a long time. I was ashamed to be having those thoughts. On the one hand, I was suffering SO MUCH that I was looking for any kind of relief and while I wasn't making plans I did start consciously taking risks in my behaviour that could have led to injury or worse almost with the hope that they would. But I was so ashamed of it, I buried it. I had heard things like people who committed suicide were "taking the easy way out" or "thinking only about themselves, not the people they leave behind" and it terrified me and only enforced my depressed beliefs that I was a terrible, selfish person. Every doctor, T, or person who found out about my depression would ask if I was having thoughts of suicide and I outright lied to them and said no. I did not want to be judged and I also didn't want to be seen as "completely crazy" even by the people who were trained in dealing with my mental illness. It was stupid and dangerous and I should not have done it. I thought I could control it. I thought "okay, it's just thoughts, thoughts can't hurt me, and I WILL get help the minute I actively do something to put myself at risk" (which doesn't reeeeally make sense if you think about it but I wasn't thinking rationally by that point).

The thing with thoughts of death/dying/suicide is that thoughts really can't hurt you. What you DO about them can, however, and that's where I think the taboo comes into play ... We are not likely to make good choices when we're suicidal, and if we're afraid of what people will think of us for having those thoughts, then we're even MORE likely to make bad decisions surrounding getting help. I did not ever say out loud "I am thinking of suicide" or "I am thinking of ending my life", not once during the entire episode. I think the closest I came to it was something along the lines of "I'm having thoughts that might be dangerous". I remember whispering it to my mother, so quietly she had to ask me to repeat myself, and my whole body was shaking while I told her. One day all I said was that I did not feel safe. Even after I got help, I couldn't bring myself to actually SAY I was suicidal until I wasn't any more. Being depressed to that point is dangerous -- being ashamed of your suicidal thinking is even more dangerous because you're less likely to get help for it. I know that I'm very lucky. I had incredible support systems in place and people in my life who could get a good reading of where I was at without my having to tell them very much at all.

I guess my point here is that I'm glad we're talking about it. If a discussion like this had existed when I was having thoughts of suicide, I might not have been so reluctant to get help with it when I really needed to.