unexpectedly and surprisingly, it's just happened. i don't know what IT is, though.

a few days ago, in journaling, a pretty large period of time was given to me (my first courtship and marriage), from one perspective and only regarding this part (i would assume) because it's only about certain aspects of this particular relationship.

anyhow, t read the entry aloud. it was amazingly difficult. i was listening in a type of disbelief that this was my life, a part of it that i wasn't fully aware of, and now it had been put together in one not so pretty picture. i felt as if i was viewing a detailed documentary and t was the narrator. i came home upset and angry and exhausted.

after coming home, more realizations hit me. ppl now remind me of ppl then. i look at my oldest and i see her then, etc. it's like i have one foot there and one foot here. anyhow, i wasn't bombarded with anymore memories or thoughts or feelings. i kept what i had seen at t. after that i was journaling more thoughts and it was ALL here...here with me. it wasn't "over there". it was in me. now, everything is just here for me to view, grab hold of and experience. it's overwhelming. i feel so full that i feel heavy...physically heavy...like my body has almost doubled in weight.

i see and know all of these things. they're not all ugly. i have alot about my daughter as a baby and that's quite beautiful. i have alot of ugly though about her father. i have to see him saturday at her wedding. how am i supposed to do that? it never bothered me to see him before. i didn't know these horrible things, escpecially at the same time.

i've never, ever experienced anything even similar to this. i've been "given" things such as memories, information, facts and even emotion, but nothing like this. she went away a long time ago because she lost her faith and couldn't go on anymore. however, she isn't a she anymore because she's not there anymore. how do i know that? i don't know. there's just no more she. i'm assuming everything that was hers is now mine. also, last nite and today, i'm alone inside. at first it was just me and her, and now it's just me and all of this. i can't sense anyone else close right now.

i feel that i'm in PTSD because i close my eyes and it's there, ppl i see that were there are the ages, etc that they were at the time. i play with the baby and i see my daughter at that age. i also feel that defeat and hopelessness that she felt before she went away. however, i have my life today so i can reason with it.

does any of this make any type of sense?

thanks,