When I started therapy 2 years ago, the thought of parenting myself in ANY WAY was so upsetting to me. I felt so hurt and betrayed and like it just wasn't FAIR that I wasn't parented as a child, and that now I have to parent my boys AND me. Really, though, T HAS reparented me in a lot of ways.

I woke up today really needing T...I don't see him until tomorrow. I decided to write him an e-mail to think it through. This is what I sent him:

"Hi T

I am trying to figure something out.

I feel like I need you A LOT right now. So, what I am trying to figure out is...what is it that I get from you that I need? And is there some way for me to get it without you??

So. I'm trying to figure out what I get from you. Attention? A break from having to be in charge of everything and everyone? The chance to be totally honest about what's going on with me? All of that makes sense. And those are all hard things to get in real life. Especially the break...I actually feel like I could just come and lay on your couch for 50 minutes and not even have you BE there and I could get part of what I need!

Ooooh - maybe the chance for the loud little parts to be loved and heard? THAT seems possible. I can hear them and feel them. They want to sit with you and be loved. I guess I should be able to give that to them. But I can't yet. Maybe I can give them something. Maybe we can color today.

Mornings are weird. I'm sleepy and it's quiet and nothing is distracting me and I'm not busy and it's not loud in the house with all of the boys. That is when it's loudest in my head, and when I miss you the most.

Plus, I just like you. I would never, ever want you to be anything but my therapist, because I feel really lucky that you are my therapist. But that doesn't stop me from liking you and missing you.

Okay, so now that I've written all of this out, how can I get what I need?
- let littles color
- get H to sit with us some when he wakes up - to hold our hands and just let us be safe
- send this e-mail to connect with you
- just let myself feel a little sad that there are some things I need that I can't get right now
- ask for a reply so I know that you are there and you can hear me
- be gentle with me, because the little parts that need that are so close to the surface
- and at the same time, get busy with my loud boys to quiet things down some - not in a mean "I want everyone in my head to go away" way, but just in a "I hear you, but I need a break now" kind of way

Still, it would be easier if it were Wednesday at 3!!!

Write back when you can, ok?? That would help too.

thanks for listening and letting me e-mail"

I wonder if maybe, maybe I am growing up a little?? Letting myself feel the things I need, and trying to find ways to give them to myself. And admitting to myself that I HAVE the needs, and that I feel a little sad.

I DID sit with H when he woke up. I didn't say anything - just sat under a blanket on the couch with him and held his hand. I did tell him to think about me for a minute (instead of work or whatever) so I would know he was there with me. And he did. That was good.

Maybe I CAN find ways to get what I need. Still, I'd rather see T today