Hi everyone,

I posted on a webmd board but nobody there really seems to care much so I thought I'd try this site. It's my first post so I hope it's not dropping too much at the outset.

I'm a married man, 39 yo, with a 9 month old child. We just bought our first home in July and moved in the same month. Recently I've finally admitted to myself that someone was wrong and went to a family practitioner to get meds for my original self-diagnosis of dysthymia (which was confirmed by the doctor) and started Prozac. Everyone around me says how happy I should be and I guess I should but I'm not, even to the point of wanting it all to end on occasion and even thinking of ways to do that.

It started from an early age I think. My parents moved to an town when I was young and these small southern places don't consider you to be there unless your family from way back was there so I was usually ridiculed or ignored or physically harassed because I wasn't from there, I was smarter than others, I was larger than others, and I was pretty much gentle and unassuming, which is a dangerous combination to have. My parents were together but I always had a great relationship with my mother (best friend) and my father and I was usually at odds though I know he loved and cared about me, he was usually away working. Fast forwarding, after years and a string of wrong decisions (not finished college (3 I went to) though getting an associate degree, I'm convinced now I've had ADHD all my life but never diagnosed, when I want to know something I quickly learn all I can but I can't stick with it.) and bad relationships with women who took what they could get financially and emotionally then left when I had nothing else to give, my mood and outlook on life and people spiraling down all the while my mother was diagnosed with cancer in Aug. 2001 and died in Oct. 2001. That accelerated my sadness and in 2007 my cat who was all the comfort I had during all these headaches passed away from renal failure (in my arms at least).

I had met my wife in 2006 and we were married in 2007. At times I felt like I was having fun and all was well only to fall back into misery a short time later. She moved here in 2008 and in Jan 2009 we had our son. Again in July we bought a house. Aside from the brief moments of what I tried to be happy about, everything else just seemed taxing and I wanted some relief. My stress and illness caused me to lash out verbally at those closest to me and I finally decided to do something about it for my safe, my wife, and baby. Even now sometimes I think they'd be better off with my insurance money and without me, though she's absolutely supportive and loving and all the issues we have on occasion stem from my internal hell.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any suggestions on what to do?