Three weeks after the session where I believed T lied to me, we finally got together again. It's really hard for me to go 3 weeks between sessions. This was the first of our 90 minute sessions, which T had offered to me last time when he saw that 50 minutes every other week was not enough to talk about what I needed and wanted to.

I have to say that 90 minute sessions totally ROCK!! I do not think we would have gotten to the really important stuff if we had had a regular length session, or we would have scratched the surface and then had to end.

It was kind of disconcerting when I first saw T, as he had been in an accident the previous day and was not looking good--he had been to the ER and was all bandaged up. Of course I asked what had happened and I got a flurry of words spilling out and T talking a mile a minute and making light of and joking about the whole thing, even as he described it to me--he was actually lucky, it could have been worse. (I kept visualizing that in my mind. ) I know he was being very funny but I could not laugh--none of it struck me as funny AT ALL. I was too upset he had been hurt and instead cried as he talked. I told him I was sorry I couldn't laugh and he said he was sorry for all the joking, and that he had been in shock and crying too, even earlier that day, but now he was through that and had to somehow dissipate the energy and tension that were left. So we agreed it was OK for him to joke as long as he didn't mind if I cried and did not laugh with him. It was a weird start to the session, but I am so thankful he will be OK.

I got to bring him up to date on some things I have been wanting to talk to him about since June! He said, how could all this have happened and I didn't know? I said there just has not been time. And we talked about other things surrounding this theme and I got to tell him stories, which I love to do, and he told me that he just really likes who I am. Yeah, ditto!

I took a break for a few minutes, then came back to his office and started in on the conversation about "the lie." For me, this was a brave thing to do, as I am very conflict avoidant. It went really well. I just have so much respect for him and how open he is to discussing anything and how he did not get defensive or mad, but had an attitude of curiousity and wanting to understand my feelings and thoughts and perceptions, and was very willing to share his own. He is a model to me of how to communicate openly. I realize that I have made some headway on this in the last 3 years, as I don't think I ever could have brought up a difficult topic like this with him even a year ago.

T told me that he did not realize that what he told me was not the truth. He said that he must have been misinformed and that he wished he had looked into this more carefully before talking to me about it last time with such certainty. He said he just truly did not know. He said that he was going to look into it right away to learn more and I told him that wasn't necessary (it was enough for me to know that he had not deliberately lied), but he said he wanted to look into it for himself, so he would know what was correct. We got to talk about a lot that had come up for me surrounding "the lie", and that was very helpful and even healing. We got to say lots of affirmations to each other (kind of like kissing and making up, lol). I really liked hearing his side of the story and learned from it. I am so glad we are in the type of therapy where the T can share his thoughts and feelings. We got to go beneath the surface of that misinformed thing he said and I got to hear his real beliefs and feelings instead of this incorrect information he had given me. This is what mattered, that I know how he felt and why.

On the way out, I stopped by his desk to schedule the next appointment and pulled up a chair next to him. We scheduled and then he turned to me and said something like this, "I think I said that to you because it seemed easy. I did think it was true, but it made the conversation easy instead of telling you the real reasons. I was ambivalent about telling you and so I said the other thing, which turned out not to be correct. I didn't think it mattered because the result would be the same." I really liked this insight he had into his behavior, and I REALLY like that he shared it with me. Then we stood to go and he asked if we could share a hug. Well, of course! It was nice--we don't hug every time, so I really value them. As we were close, he thanked me for my empathy at the beginning of the session (crying for him) and gave me a little squeeze.

I left and felt very happy. Very tired, but happy. I think this may be the beginning of a higher level of honesty and communication with T. This was a very hard conversation for me, a very hard topic to raise. I did not shy away from what was important to discuss, I did not tuck it away deep inside and say oh this doesn't matter. I had an open conversation about it. We were two adults who like and respect each other, talking to reach greater understanding.