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lynn09 · Oct 20, 2009, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iskm12

Im not depressed, if anything far from it, I am able to keep myself content, happy, but yet alone at the same time. I know I dislike people, but at the same time I wish to make myself want to be with people. My job makes me interact with people all day, and I get so frustrated that these dark thoughts start to fill my mind. Theres nothing I can do to stop them. And my doc says medication is not an option for me. And then there is my therapist, she just recently asked me if I truly wanted to get control of who I am... I was so appalled that she would even ask me this, she has seen my journal and my writing, she has talked to me in person, she knows what I am capable of. She knows that I fear that if I get pushed too far that I will act on these thoughts. I can tell you of the thought because I know they would scare some. I also understand that every person has what I like to call 'The Dark Passenger' one side of them that just seems diffrent and dark. People always tell me that the dark one is nothing to fear, but with me, violence has always been apart of my life, it helped me to survive. But now 'The Dark Passenger' is getting out of control again. How am I to stop it from taking over completely, you see I am an artist, but if it where to take control my art would take a turn for the worse, as in my mind my art would be a master piece but in the "world of the normal" it would be a crime. I can walk through stores and think of everyday things that people use as something worse, something dark. I dont even think about it really, its just there. I once tried to think of things bright and happy, butterflies, bunnies, the sun, but it drove me insane. Im not saying Im crazy, I just dont like those things. Dark things fasinate me. The Nazi(not a supporter), corpse, blood, murder.... Who Am I? I know exactly what I am, I just what to kill it. How can one kill the soul, all my life I have been trying to kill the soul, but I grow weary. As one of my helpers says, 'your soul fights for your freedom.' but I fear I have none. I do not mean to say that people cant change, but people like me change for the worse, we grow into our thoughts and erdges. Its like a teen age boy, his sexual fanticies dont go away, he grows into them. He become one with them, makes them as true as possible... What is happening to me???

I dont mean to scare anyone, and if I have I am truely sorry.

Hi, (((((iskm12))))). I think it's obvious that your dark thoughts and urges absolutely terrify you - your fear being that you might evolve into someone who acts them out in the physical world. These thoughts and urges want to be expressed - perhaps the thing to do is find a way to express them benignly. I often wonder about some writers of science fiction and horror (Stephen King, Clive Barker, etc.) - like who would even think of something like that? - but these people do - and they are quite successful as evidenced by the popularity of movies and literature within that genre - which means other people enjoy reading and/or watching such books/movies. Perhaps your thoughts are SO intense because you are trying so hard to suppress them. Perhaps if you did express them through your art you would experience some relief - if you allowed yourself a benign form of expression, perhaps you would not feel so tempted to act them out.

There are also some legitimate professions that deal with such things in real life - detectives, forensic pathologists, forensic psychologists, criminal profilers, etc. The things that you seem to find fascinating are the very things that they must examine, explore, understand, and identify in solving crimes. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that perhaps the issue isn't just the thoughts and urges you experience, but how you choose to view them and possibly even use them - direct them to a positive outcome. Is this something you can consider - or am I just way off base here?

I agree that you may want to find another therapist if you don't feel that your current T is understanding you and isn't addressing your issues adequately. I hope you can find a way to deal with your dark thoughts and feelings benignly to give you some relief. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.