Well, I managed to reach those far away desires within myself...I had to punch the couch before I could get myself to speak the words, but I told T how in my head and I repeated that to her so she wouldnt say ok you can, so I said in my head, I am afraid I will loose control of myself and rush to you and grab you and that you push me away. T gently replied "I know you won't believe this, but I wouldnt push you away" oyvey, that was like honey on my toast.

She talked about this part of me that wants to be held as the heathy part of me. Something about that statement sticks with me. I was crying tremendously as I spoke about how I have fantasys of dying and she sits beside me and she said, "yes that way you don't have to do anything to get caring, so you aren't risking rejection".

As we talked some more, I said, I can't do this, unyet I feel if I could solve this part everything else would just fall away, would just be stuff. She said yes, but talking about that "stuff" is what makes it eventually ok in here to solve this other part.

She said, "do you think being held would resolve the deep needs you have"? I know she was inviting me to hug, but she of course won't say let me hug you, or make the first move physically, but man, she couldnt be more ready then what she is.

She said you seem afraid that you won't be able to "digest" these feelings and your afraid that I won't either.

Well almost, but not quite, but I think its possible that one day I will, take the hug!!