I am having a sadder day. I re-read many times what was posted to me about processing these overwhelming feelings and I think the best thing to do is to allow my subconscious to process and not focus on the session.

I have found that since then, my brain really did do some processing. I let it go, I did what I had to do the last few days and now, I am feeling something else. I am clearer, but sad. I am afraid to go there and think too much about the session. I was afraid I was of my father, but loved him anyway. I was afraid of my mother, but confused by the way she treated me. I thought I must be such a bad kid to deserve this. Ftt thought she might have been bi-polar from the sound of her behavior. She was up, she was down, it was all about her, and I was confused and very lonely. I wanted protection from her, but there wasnt any. I needed protection from my father, but there wasnt any. I felt so alone. There was nothing and nobody.

The other thing I want to write about it how much I miss Desk-t. I cant even express in words how much. She was not a good choice of t for me, she did some really unprofessional things, she was cold and distant, but the way I see her, is that she was very, very human. She was really lousy at being my alter-mother. She didnt want to be and no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt turn her into a warm mother. But we had a good connection. About other things. She has her issues, she brought them to work, but on some level, she made a good friend. I thought she was loyal and honest. She was interesting and funny. And very intelligent. And cared about me in the way she could. I saw her for 1 yr 4 mos and 2x/wk for a lot of that time. We spent a lot of time together, and she saw all of my kids and H. What I am saying is that I left so abruptly. I cant even remmeber which session was our last, and what the last thing she said to me was. I didnt know I was never coming back when I left. I miss her and Im sure she must be wondering what the heck happened. What could be going on in my mind. I am sitting now in a Starbucks around the corner form her office and I feel like stopping in and giving her a hug and telling her I miss her and its all OK. I feel sorry for her and I am so sorry for being so bad at this and not being able to close with her. I think if I did go in there for a last session Id try to talk but only cry and cry and cry and tell her I miss her. I am not real sure what it all is about. I see a part of her that I can so relate to. She is really far from the perfect image I had of her, but I can so realate to the less than perfect person she is.

She reminds me so much of my mother it is unreal. Maybe on some level by seeing her for all of her imperfections I can see my mother in a different way. I dont know. But Im not there yet with my mother.

Dt wanted me to be a grown-up. She was good at telling me how to be a grown-up. I like that. She was awful at allowing me to be a child. I felt dismissed and like there was a piece of my therapy missing. But I liked being a grwon-up with her.

I dont know what to do. A closure session or any session with her at this point would be a complete disaster. I couldnt say what I want to say, Id be a puddle on the floor. I dont want to hurt her but just disappearing like this. She did a lot for me and really tried. I just still dont know what to do with all of this sadness and hurt.