that is kind of hard to read. My mother was my abuser. When she got cancer I got scared. I never wished her dead. I would never do that to anyone but I did wish she didn't have such a bad affect on me and my emotions. With that said when she died I had so many emotions go thru me at one time it amazed me. I was sad she was gone, sad that she didn't love me, glad she was gone, sad that she would never be able to tell me she was sorry. I was 35 when she died. I thought that was the end of it but it wasn't. I was taught very early in my childhood that as long as there was breath there was hope. You are 48, time to sit your parents down and let them know how they are making you feel. time to take your life back from them. Become a survivor and not a victim. YOU know what you are and what you are capable of. No need to prove to anyone but yourself. Good luck there.