OK .... So I had a meltdown at todays GYN appt. Unfortunately this was a followup appt w/a male DR (not my reg Dr but I have seen him before). Had to have a invasive procedure done,. and ........ it did not go to well.
Totally off kilt... was sobbing and nerved up, I dont think the DR. was sure what to say, of course I wasnt gonna give him my life history, I just told him and the Nurse that it was my nerves -- what a mess.
I was frozen with the emotions that flooded my mind and body. I have not gone thru these intense feelings prior to therapy. I never have had issues w/going to the GYN appts.
I called T and was sobbing, told him abt the ordeal, he says it is normal (huh? it doesnt feel normal). He says that its because of PTSD and asked if I had read up more on it. Unfortunatley I have read books about survivors of CSA but nothing that targets PTSD and how to cope with it. I got to find something that breaks it down more for me. I am really upset about this episode. My T did expln that prior to therapy I didnt recognize or understand or stuffed down the emotions but now its inevitable that I go thru some of the reliving or re-exp of these emotions... e'fin aggravated (sorry).
I lay there in the Dr office eyes closed, tears rolling down my face, thinking, breathing, thinking "I hate you DAD! Because of this I hate you" ..... thats new too! I dont know what to do other than try to read up and understand more.
My T says this will get easier and I am desensitizing by forcing myself to do these normal everyday things but notes that this is such a sensitive subject and involves my body, and privacy, and personal....It is hard.... I dont remember everything he said...I am soo glad he answered and took the time to help me get a grip. I had to come to work after that ... had to call in a little late.
I am so blessed with people who care for me at work, I grew up with my boss in the business 20+ yrs and am soo grateful. I just need to be able to refocus and get a grip and try to learn how to cope the healthy way with this stuff. I can not loose it at work.
I was hoping that someone on this sight may have some books they can refer me to for PTSD (but revolving around CSA and CA verbal, phys, emotional)) .... I dont know if its all the same but I would soooo appreciate it.
Sorry for going on and on....just got to get it out of my system...trying to relax now and take myself down a few notches. I cant believe how I cried ....way too much emotion .... my head is pounding!