Awwww, (((((((((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))))))

It makes so much sense that you would miss her. Whether or not she was the most healing T for you, you still had a relationship with her, and you had been seeing her for a long time. You made a BIG change. I think it is probably a healthy sign that you are moving on and letting yourself attach some to ftt...part of that is letting desk T go. There is always some mourning with letting go, I think. You are doing a big thing by letting yourself feel and acknowledge these feelings.

For me, sometimes when I make a change to be healthier, there is part of me that longs to hold onto the old, unhealthy behavior (or person, or whatever). It is familiar, and being gentle and kind to myself is unfamiliar. Unfamiliar things can feel scary. I wonder if that is part of what is going on with you?? Fear of this new, caring T. When we let ourselves be cared for, we are acknowledging in some small way that we are WORTH being cared for. Maybe desk-T's stand-offish approach was more in keeping with how you believe you should be treated? It's a big change to let yourself be gently taken care of.

Write here, journal, PM me...I think what you are experiencing is really important, and a really big step forward. And when you need to take a break from thinking about, take a break.

Let yourself be gentle with you