Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
Awwww, (((((((((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))))))
It makes so much sense that you would miss her. Whether or not she was the most healing T for you, you still had a relationship with her, and you had been seeing her for a long time. You made a BIG change. I think it is probably a healthy sign that you are moving on and letting yourself attach some to ftt...part of that is letting desk T go. There is always some mourning with letting go, I think. You are doing a big thing by letting yourself feel and acknowledge these feelings.  |
I think this is hitting the nail on the head. I am mouring letting her go- its as if I am letting go getting what I need from a mommy who cant give it to me. Why her? Who is she really to me? I didnt even like her in the beginning. But I am mouring in this painful way letting her go. Never seeing her again. It is very calming to read what you wrote- that I am acknowledging my feelings. I am not having a suicidal emergency. Just having feelings. Strong feelings, especially painful ones, make me feel like I cant do this and I dont want to live anymore (dont worry, Im not going to do anything like that, but I feel like I want it to be a way out of my feelings).
[quoteFor me, sometimes when I make a change to be healthier, there is part of me that longs to hold onto the old, unhealthy behavior (or person, or whatever). It is familiar, and being gentle and kind to myself is unfamiliar. Unfamiliar things can feel scary. I wonder if that is part of what is going on with you?? Fear of this new, caring T. When we let ourselves be cared for, we are acknowledging in some small way that we are WORTH being cared for. Maybe desk-T's stand-offish approach was more in keeping with how you believe you should be treated? It's a big change to let yourself be gently taken care of.[/quote]
Yes- Exactly. Dt's stand-offish approach is how I believe I should be treated. I am noticing something else. I was often obsessed with dt and how to get her to be nicer. In only a semi-conscious way. I dont have those obsessions with ftt b/c she is nice to me. I dont have this...I dont know what I can call it....a drive or compulsion...to be a certain way to deserve her attention during the session. With ftt I dont feel that at all. The focus is all on my issues and not trying to get love out of her. She is very caring. I dont waste energy on trying to get her to love me. Im glad I realized that. I wasted a lot of mental energy with dt.
I suppose its painful b/c that is how I was raised. To waste a lot of mental energy trying to get this or that from either parent. Trying to get what i needed.
I am so hurting myself with food this past week. I would like to get to a place where I could have these painful feelings without slipping into food problems to distract me and numb my feelings. I am going to have to bring this up along with everything else in my session this week. I have even thought of doing rehab again. I am havng some physical probs that I get when I do this with food. My daughter took a picture of my last night with her new camera. She showed the pic to me and I said,"Is that what I look like?" and she said, "Yes, mommy." I was shocked. I look sick. I have to put on weight and eat more. I felt so sad for doing this to myself. How could I do this to the person in that picture? Why am I so rough with myself? Id never do this to anyone else.
Thank you, Tree. And thank you to everyone who responded to me. Its so hard to be in this place. I was posting something on PC while I was taking my break in Starbucks. Its usually a gentle place for me, but I began to cry, I was in public there with tears in my eyes. I was very glad there werent too many people there. I feel like I am losing it. I dont even know where the feelings are coming from. Everything triggers something painful and this sadness feels like it will go on forever.