I relate to so many of your feelings, BlueMoon. I understand that you are mourning Dt for what she was to you, and what she wasn't. She was "Mommy" even if she wasn't the perfect Mommy. She helped you in some ways and you miss her.
I understand the dilemma of needing a long session to tell her how you feel vs a short phone call where you may not even speak to her. If it were me, I would need the session because otherwise I would be forever playing tapes in my mind about how a final session would go. I would want it to end right, but I'm not sure if you can do that with desk-t or not. It depends on whether she would get defensive, or if she would understand why you left her. If you could acknowledge the good parts of therapy with her and tell her you will miss her, it could be valuable. I would want to do that if I were ending therapy, even the therapy hadn't gone so well.
In fact, I left my first T very abruptly. It was unfinished. A couple of years later I went back to say "good-bye". That was helpful for me to tie up the loose ends in my therapy with her.
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I was often obsessed with dt and how to get her to be nicer. In only a semi-conscious way. I dont have those obsessions with ftt b/c she is nice to me. I dont have this...I dont know what I can call it....a drive or compulsion...to be a certain way to deserve her attention during the session. With ftt I dont feel that at all. The focus is all on my issues and not trying to get love out of her. She is very caring. I dont waste energy on trying to get her to love me. Im glad I realized that. I wasted a lot of mental energy with dt.
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Therapy should be all about you, and you shouldn't have to beg for your T's attention. It seems very strange to me that dt doesn't know that it is wrong to eat, open mail, do her nails, etc. while she is in session with someone. I wonder where she learned that from. I wonder if anyone ever said to her: "You know, dt, I feel devalued/rejected/like you don't care about me when you read your mail, eat or do your nails during our session." What do you think she would say to that? It's an "I" message, telling your feelings.Would you dare say that to her at a final session? It would be for her own good. I told my T how I felt when she said "my 11:30 is here" and "borderlines _____ instead of "people with BPD" and she accepted my criticisms.
In any case, ftt is giving you the attention you deserve. I relate a little bit to wondering if I wouldn't have obsessed so much if my T had shown me more love. She made it hard for me even though she did it out of caring for me. It's hard to know what's the right way to act when you're a T, especially dealing with BPD.
Are you talking to ftt about your feelings for dt? I had to do that for a long time after I quit my first T. I just couldn't let the first one go. It's been more than a few years now that I stopped sending her updates about my family, so I'm "over her" and don't really miss her, but I won't ever forget my therapy with her, and our relationship. I don't think she will either. She once said that once therapy is over, it's not like it never happened. It DID happen, the good parts and the bad parts, the connected parts and the disconnected parts. But it took a long time.
Be patient with yourself. You've gone through a lot, and it's natural that you are grieving, both for the loss of your former T, and for the loss of the Mommy you never got to have. It's all related. Therapy is hard work, but you're doing fine. You've got a lot of insight into your feelings.
