hey beautiful people . sorry i haven't come back to this thread earlier. i want to reply to everyone, but i know i just dont have the concentration span for that right now, so forgive me for being selective!! i managed to keep down some dinner today (WOOT!!!) but given that it's the first proper meal since last week, go easy on my ramblingness, alrite?

interesting post, bluemoon!! sorry i can't respond to the whole of it, but i think i agree with a lot of what you said. i think most of my problems probably started around age 2 (at least, that is the earliest i can recall) but my best guess is that mum was a good mum before then. she did look after me. so did dad. they are both good people. pdoc agrees - he said something about how he thinks mum must've done all the right things when i was very, very young because i dont have the 'typical' personality fragmentation that some other ppl who have experienced similar traumas later on grapple with.

i have said elsewhere that i'm not big on delving into childhood stuff, doing inner child work etc. so i'll relate your questions back to the here and now . as i see it, i'm a very social person. i am someone who craves social contact, almost in a way that other ppl do not. i'm the person who talks to randoms at the bus stop, makes friends with everyone at a party, is the 'popular' girl in class that everyone wants to be friends with etc. i am good with talking to strangers and 'making' them like me. but therein lies the problem - i always fear that i'm somehow manipulating ppl, that it's because of some sort of social skill that i have (not true likeable qualities) that wins me all these friends/acquaintances. i dont have many (any) really deep friendships with anyone. i hold myself back from those for fear that i'll be 'found out'. i dont think anyone really knows me, apart from pdoc. i guess that's why the fear of rejection is strongest with him - because he has had the most opportunity to know me enough to actually reject me.

why fear rejection? because i want to be liked and accepted and belong somewhere. belong in a meaningful way. it is not 'abandonment' in that if i am rejected i will fall apart and no longer function. i can still look after myself, i can still study, i can still have a successful career etc. i will still have teachers who adore me, and colleagues who seek me out to talk to, and i will still have my usual routine of small talk when i get my coffee, collect the paper, go to the chemist, bank, hairdresser etc. but in terms of belonging? that's what i crave above all, and that's why i'm scared of rejection. being vulnerable and ppl being repulsed... i guess i just crave emotional intimacy. and the belief is that i, as a person, am not enough to sustain something like that - i need acts and accomplishments to keep drawing ppl towards me. pdoc doesn't even allow me to for my sessions (he just takes the minimal medicare rebate), so of course i'm terrified that i'm not doing 'enough'. he points out that he is a doctor, a professional, so he will not abandon me - but i dont care about that. i can find another person to write prescriptions for me easily. i know enough about meds now to know what i require and self manage those, so i would only need intermittent sessions for fine tuning & review. the fear is that he will continue to see me, but hate me at the same time. i dont know if that makes any sense.

i'm delighted you are bringing this up here, ((((blossom))))!!! i think they are important questions to raise .

i'm not sure i agree completely. i dont think you can abandon a healthy adult, but given that (as therapists) we would be dealing with ppl for whom we are a sole lifeline, i think there is a very real sense in which we can abandon our clients. it's an interesting point of view, though!! i'm actually really curious about how it translates into professional ethics, but that's an area i've done very little study in.

it took me 2 years to finally feel ok with pdoc, although i respected him professionally from the start. it took me 2 years to finally realise with old-T that there was never going to be any attachment, and that (like you), i had stayed out of some belief in his professional capability and attendant authority. aah, would love to feel attached after 8 months!!! i think i am doing a good job with Austin-T but he is very unorthodox (and sometimes that makes me scared).

wow, abby!! it's so bizarre - this post is SO spot on for me, with the only twist being that i prefer apathy to active rejection. i wonder why there's that difference between us.

oh gosh. transference (as it's used here on PC and also in psychologist talk) can mean so many different things it's difficult to define. i think if you do a search in this section of PC you will get the best sort of overview of the way different ppl use it. i'm not saying "do a search" to fob you off or anything, but just because i feel inadequate to explain the breadth right now. i hope someone else can come along and help you out? .