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Oct 22, 2009, 09:30 AM
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Member Since: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix
My current hubby and I have been married ten years. We have a fairly good marriage. We are fairly happy. The reason I use the word fairly is because there are always things to work on and that will always be.
When we married, we had lots of stuff to work out. He yelled. I didn't. I hated it. He thought it was normal. When we argued, he would be in my face. I told him to back off. He didn't. I said with teeth clenched,
Back.
Off.
He didn't. So, I left in the car. When I came back, he said where did I go? I told him, when I say back off, I mean give me some space to cool down.
Anyway, we began our adventure into learning how to fight. Here's what we learned over the course of ten years and it wasn't easy. I moved out about three years into it. He went to counseling and asked me to come back. I did. He changed big time.
1. Talk in "I" statements. When you do this, I feel this. It works. Do not say it in such a way to place blame. Simply say it to express a feeling and lead into a way to change the behavior so that the feeling doesn't result.
2. Try the technique of mirroring back what the other person has just said. One person says a statement. The other person says, "What I heard you just say is........". You will be surprised when you realize that the other person is NOT hearing what you said. After doing this for a while, both of you will become less sensitive to getting your feelings hurt by what the other person is saying and you will be better able to hear the exact words the first time.
3. When you are discussing something really important, limit the amount of time you spend on it and agree to revisit the subject again later. This will give you each time to think between discussions and tempers won't flair. This means take more than one occasion to discuss really important matters.
4. Don't discuss important things while drinking. Under no circumstances do this.
5. Don't discuss important things when tired.
I hope some of this helps. It helped us. If not, I hope you are able to find solutions to your issues. Marriage is damn hard. We have to work at it all the time. We have retirement coming up. Oh, joy. 
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Thanks for your advice, I will really take it to heart. it means alot to me that I finally found a web site that people show support. Thank you.
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