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Originally Posted by rainbow8
I relate to so many of your feelings, BlueMoon. I understand that you are mourning Dt for what she was to you, and what she wasn't. She was "Mommy" even if she wasn't the perfect Mommy. She helped you in some ways and you miss her.
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I miss her so much. She helped me in some ways. I am feeling better today. I still believe I will be back in to see her at some point. When I am clearer.
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I understand the dilemma of needing a long session to tell her how you feel vs a short phone call where you may not even speak to her. If it were me, I would need the session because otherwise I would be forever playing tapes in my mind about how a final session would go. I would want it to end right, but I'm not sure if you can do that with desk-t or not. It depends on whether she would get defensive, or if she would understand why you left her. If you could acknowledge the good parts of therapy with her and tell her you will miss her, it could be valuable. I would want to do that if I were ending therapy, even the therapy hadn't gone so well.
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I dont want to go in there crying, although I am sure I will. I can acknowledge the good parts. I dont know if she would get defensive. For sure, I dont think she would say much. She'd let me talk, probably disagree with most of what I have to say. But I could keep it to my feelings and *I* statements. I want her to know the impact her behavior had on me. I will be thinking about her forever if I dont go in.
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In fact, I left my first T very abruptly. It was unfinished. A couple of years later I went back to say "good-bye". That was helpful for me to tie up the loose ends in my therapy with her.
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Of course, Im sure it was. Im sure you needed that. I would imgaine that you kept thinking what the conversation would have been like if you didnt go in.
Another feeling of mine is that I cannot let go- I dont want my relationship with her to be over. I cant do it. I have a strong feeling that I need her. This is the major, major obstacle here. I dont want it to be over. I want to see ftt, but I cant say good-bye forever to dt. Sigh.....I cant.....
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Therapy should be all about you, and you shouldn't have to beg for your T's attention.
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She has no idea, I am sure, that her behavior had that kind of an effect on me. I never told her, but I know she doesnt do that with just me. I often felt like I had only half of her attention. And that I will be selfish to bring that up- why do I think that I deserve her undivided attention? How selfish is that? That is how I seriously feel.
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It seems very strange to me that dt doesn't know that it is wrong to eat, open mail, do her nails, etc. while she is in session with someone. I wonder where she learned that from. I wonder if anyone ever said to her: "You know, dt, I feel devalued/rejected/like you don't care about me when you read your mail, eat or do your nails during our session." What do you think she would say to that? It's an "I" message, telling your feelings.Would you dare say that to her at a final session? It would be for her own good. I told my T how I felt when she said "my 11:30 is here" and "borderlines _____ instead of "people with BPD" and she accepted my criticisms.
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You know, when we spoke about what had happened with my previous t yrs ago, she called him a lot of things. One being "unprofessional" and that he would have lost his license if he had one, but is it professional to open mail, take vitamins, eat your lunch (OK- I know some of have t's that eat thier lunch in session, but dt's eating is part of a bigger inattentiveness), look out the window, write grocery lists (whatever she is writing that doesnt have to do with me), and put on lipstick. I think it is. I dont understand what she could be thinking. If there is anything I would have a VERY difficult time saying to her it is what I just wrote. How can I say that? These are the things I need to say. I wanted her attention, and I think she will take that apart and thing/say it is my narcissitic needs (childish ones), my bpd and my need for her to mother me. When I really believe she is being just plain rude and dismissive.
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In any case, ftt is giving you the attention you deserve. I relate a little bit to wondering if I wouldn't have obsessed so much if my T had shown me more love. She made it hard for me even though she did it out of caring for me. It's hard to know what's the right way to act when you're a T, especially dealing with BPD.
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I agree completely. And I have wondered that so many times about you and your t. What would it have been like if she had been more physically warm and loving to you. Mothered you. Woud you REALLY have gone "bonkers"? For how long? I dont think forever. I think you might have gotten your fill. No matter how long it took. What do you think?
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Are you talking to ftt about your feelings for dt? I had to do that for a long time after I quit my first T. I just couldn't let the first one go. It's been more than a few years now that I stopped sending her updates about my family, so I'm "over her" and don't really miss her, but I won't ever forget my therapy with her, and our relationship. I don't think she will either. She once said that once therapy is over, it's not like it never happened. It DID happen, the good parts and the bad parts, the connected parts and the disconnected parts. But it took a long time.
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Im glad you did that with your last t. See? You had your fill and were able to "wean" yourself. Can I compare it to child-led weaning with nursing? My children all weaned themselves (except for my 2 1/2 yo b/c I had to go on lexipro). I allowed them to get their fill until THEY were ready to, not when *I* pushed it. It was a miraculous process to see. THEY knew when they got what they needed. And the same with your previous t, although it took a long time, it was YOUR process. And then you were healed of that relationship and feel calm about it.
I am talking to ftt about dt, but not in this last session. I have so much to talk about in my next session. It may all tie in. I could use 2x/wk for a little while....but then Id never go back to 1x/wk if she did give me the extra appointments/attention. Sigh....
Thank you, Rainbow
It is so hard. And it is hard to be patient b/c I have to have these difficult feelings while I am being patient. It is very related and that is what I will start with when I see t on monday.
I also like that she doesnt mind if I have my journal out during the session. Dt said I was being "self-absorbed" by doing that. oy!