Hi everyone. I waited to post here until I had time to read some of your posts. I am new here but not to PTSD, not by a long shot.

I started in therapy way back in 1966(I'm 58) when no one even believed in child abuse as a source of mental illness but I was one sick cookie. But when I was stuck in a long term hospital and was laughed at by the psychiatrist when I told her I had been raped by my brother, I knew this was going to take a long time. In fact, I had to recant my story of rape in order to be discharged. But I knew deep inside what the problem was.

So I stayed in therapy in order to learn how to grow up and found myself in and out of the hospital, all the time, trying to remember and trying to grow. Finally, in 1985, after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids, I started to remember.....after my kids were molested. I went through 3 years of horrendous flashbacks but dealt with it and mourned. And then I picked myself up and went on with my life.....but I knew deep down inside there was more. I figured it would come when the time was right.

In 2007 two things happened......I broke my neck which caused it's own case of PTSD and my 1st grandchild was born...a beautiful little girl. That started it all over again. The memories that I've been getting back and am still getting are the worst yet. They start as a flashback and then I get more and then the feelings come a couple of days later to fill in the picture. I go and search pictures to verify wallpaper or clothing or people or something that gives me some sense that it was real. Is that how it is for others?

So it was back to therapy these past couple of years after being out for 20 years. It's so weird. When I left therapy, PTSD was unknown. Child abuse as just becoming recognized and I was fortunate to have a therapist back then who was an investigator for the Dept. Of Social Services. That was the mid 1980's. I have seen such changes in the psych community in the past 40 years it blows me away.

So I am dealing with some pretty horrible stuff. My therapist and I have come to the realization that I was the victim of my mother's Munchausen Syndrome....not just abuse although more memories of sexual abuse have surfaced as well. And each day I wonder what I'll remember today. Each day I wait to see if I have any flashbacks and if I'll be able to handle it okay. Each day I wonder if I'll be able to keep my anger in check long enough to get to my therapist. He asked me Monday if I could kill my mother. I simply said.....pillow over the face...hold...repeat as necessary. I had no idea I have grown to hate her that much. And yet I love her too.

I guess that is what makes this all so hard.

I look forward to meeting everyone.

gentle hugs to all................Jenny