Dear Obiswife,

Thank you for your posts. There is so much to be learned from this. I'm separated too and only recently learned that my husband has started another relationship. The finality of this has just hit me, and keeps hitting me, and even still I have to keep reminding myself of the finality. I understand very well about loving unrealistically with far too much hope and wilful blindness.

Accepting less and less, until that seems normal and waiting, always waiting, for something to happen, for things to go back to the way they were. The hard part is keeping a reality in mind when there seem to be so many different realities and truths. I suppose the only thing is to keep bringing oneself back to NOW, this moment, and live that as strongly and purely as possible.

For me, I don't know how to break the connection. We write to each other, or rather, he writes to me. Of his sadness, his loss, he tries to explain how heartbroken he was, how alone. I think he wants me to know he cares still, that he loves me, as he sais, always for everything, that he didn't do anything easily or without feeling. I know he wants to see me, to be friends, somehow.

For now I can't see him, I avoid situations where I might. Mainly because I still love him, or some distant memory of him anyway. Because some part of just can't believe he could be with someone else.

I know this is me. I don't have an exact moment in my childhood that explains why I am as I am. Why do I seemingly value myself so little that I would read his missives, cry over them, fight with myself about answering, weave between anger and sadness, between answering honestly from the depths of my soul and deciding this is not his business any more. Because whatever I was not able to acess in myself and share with him before, now is not the time to be sharing it. I guess.

I have learned so much about grief and suffering. I do value this, strange as it may sound. Some days I feel good about this, other days I just feel lost and empty and wonder how I could possibly ever love anyone else again?

I only have to tell him to stop writing to me, and he will. But I can't bring myself to do it. I am like a hungry cat waiting for scraps from his table. Sometimes.

My friends tell me to stop, to cut off contact, to concentrate and focus my energy on myself. It seems false to me, to cut him out.

I am not always this confused!

Just wanted to say that your post touched me.

Be well.