Before I reply, I want to tell you that I printed out your post and am bringing it with me on monday (to therapy). A lot was brought up there for me, that relates to love, desk-t, mothers and what I need. And what I crave and want for my life. And the direction I want my life to go in. There are other things there that I want to discuss that I wont even post here Does that mean your post was a tirgger? I guess it does It brought up a lot of feelings for me.
Sunny, this is what struck me as so intimate about your relationship with him. He allows you your feelings, knowing they are yours and you can handle your empathy for him- its respect and trust. He trusts you with your feelings and your abilities. He knows you that well. And, he trusts and respects himself and your relationship enough to be able to be "real" with his manic need for some relief. It is intimacy on a deep level where he doesnt have to be therapisty with you.

This is interesting. I have this kind of intuition and relationship with my older daughters. I have worked hard on being that kind of person for them, since they were born. BUT the issue I have worked on in therapy is that I dismiss this realtionship with them as something for MY needs. Can it really be reciprocal? My t disagreed, but my reasoning is this- Even tho they are teenagers, they need me as their mother, it is not the same kind of reciprocal relationship I would have with another adult and I DO NOT want them to be concerned with meeting my needs. This issue has come up in family therapy as well. My t had said that is OK if I am feeling sad to ask them for a hug, and they would always do it and love me. But if I am feeling that needy and sad, I dont go to them. It makes me very uncomfortable to have them meeting my emotional needs. Maybe b/c I was expected to meet my mothers emotional needs, but also b/c I want it from someone who doesnt have that "mommy agenda." If that makes any sense. I dont want them to worry about me or have to take care of me. I am always there for them. They can take care of me that way when I am 100

I dont feel like I do. I could write on and on about my relationship. My h and I have been in therapy with dt for about 1 yr (he isnt so fond of her....go figure)and we did get a lot out of it. We have been in to her office all summer with our kids every week. Ive been individually with this or that kid. Dt was pretty good in that way.

With my h and I, he loves me and I love him. Its a good start. But I could be more trusting of him than I am. He has shown me that he can be there for me. I have a huge issue with asking him to meet my needs b/c I am afraid I will "owe" him something for it or he will expect back from me 100 times over. I almost feel like what I ask for, I will be punished for...eventually. It may be accurate, or it may be my imagination. We've been married for 16 yrs and are close. We know each other well. But I dont feel trusting enough to tell him a lot of things that go on in my mind.

Another issue is that he has had a lot of trauma in his childhood and his older years. He is amazingly calm, grounded, loyal and level-headed. He keeps my feet on the ground, so to speak. This is a good thing, and it works for us. But he has things that trigger the trauma for him, and ftt says the relationship works well b/c we have completely different things that trigger us and we can ground each other and be a tremendous help to each other. It is something we have to continue to work on.

For example, he can be very busy with work, until late at night, but if he says anything sharp or quick to me, I immediately feel like I have done something wrong, he hates me, Im all alone in this life etc. I want to cry. Most often, it really isnt about me, he is just busy. Or not paying attention to how he sounds.

I could go on and on about other issues, but when it comes to having the kind of relationship you wrote about with your t, it seems far away. And it isnt just an h issue. It is my issues. Its fear and trust and probably more. Which is why I want to bring your post into ftt. There is a lot there for me to work on.

It is. Much harder. Not everyone you have a relationship with has such a knowledge of psychology The other thread about hugging and physical closeness with a t is tied into this thread. For me, anyway. There IS something about the physicalness of a hug that, for me, would carry over into RL.